Diary of a Deadman
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: A look into the journal of our beloved Undertaker. Insanity, chaos and destruction, just the way we like it.
1. Criminal Intentions

6 people voted yes, nobody voted no...  
Diary of the Deadman is here, is queer, and drinking lots of beer.  
Oh hell, not sure how many chapters there'll be, but at least ten.

**R&R if you feel like it and want to be nice to Triple T.**

**December 4**

**09:00  
**I always wake up around 9, it doesn't make a lot of sense since I have no alarmclock anymore...  
I think Glen might have eaten it...

**09:11  
**It would explain the ringing sound he produces around 10 in the morning...

**09:15  
**Behind computer, checking e-mails. Got about 6 of them from Paul, asking me if it's 'time to play the game' yet.  
Mailed him back;  
NO!

**09:17  
**What game anyway?

**09:33  
**Glen woke up too, now walking around in the livingroom. He has a hangover, told him to walk it off.

**09:45  
**When did Glen start to take my advice seriously?

**10:30  
**Hungry.

**10:43  
**Still hungry, staring at painting of apples Carlito made me a week ago.

**10:55  
**Sending Glen to mall to buy me apples. He asked me if he could buy himself a present. Told him yes, but not with my money!

**12:00  
**Glen's still not back, wonder what happened. I bet he got lost again, and now he's at the policestation asking the cops where he lives again.

**12:13  
**I'm always right... Cops called.

"Good day sir, are missing a bald friend?"  
I sighed. "I'm not actually _missing _him."  
"But... Are you-"  
"Neither is he my friend." I continued.  
"He says he-"  
"I don't even think I know someone that's bald."

I hung up before they could ask me more questions, in hopes of Glen not coming home. He should go live with Dave, it'll do him good to see how animals live these days.

**12:45  
**Still hungry though, very annoying.

**13:04  
**At Paul's, raiding his foodstash. He asked me if 'it's time to play the game' again.  
Told him yes, as long as I can eat everything I find.

**13:45  
**Paul tied me to his bed and is now taking pictures of me with his cellphone.  
I should've said no when he wanted it to be time to the play the game...  
In case it's confusing; I'm tied to the bed with my feet, my arms are free, how else am I supposed to be writing?

**14:12  
**Untied again, but at least the hunger is gone, so it was good to come here.  
Paul left, so I'm raiding some of his closets too, who knows what I might find eh.

**14:39  
**Why does he have fake dreadlocks? And why are they pink?

**14:43  
**Do I even want to know?

**15:08  
**Hey, someone send him a message on msn. I'm gonna reply.

**15:34  
**Haha, fun. I'm sending myself the copy of the convo and I'll include it in here...

**15:40  
**Hmmm, why is he online now anyway? He's not even here anymore.

_FINLAY says:_  
You there?

_Paul HAS TRANSFORMED INTO TAKER says:  
_No. I'm here though.

_FINLAY says:  
_Hmmm? Where's Paul then?

_Paul HAS TRANSFORMED INTO TAKER says:  
_not here

_FINLAY says:  
_but where?

_Paul HAS TRANSFORMED INTO TAKER says:  
_I killed him...

_FINLAY says:  
_really?

_Paul HAS TRANSFORMED INTO TAKER says:  
_yeah.

Then he went offline. I wonder if he took me seriously.  
Of course not...

**15:56  
**Holy Hell it's the cops! I gotta go run!

**16:42  
**Hmmmm, I ran from the cops, called a cab, made the cabdriver drive around really fast and I felt.... Great actually.  
I want to become an actor, so I can pretend to be a criminal rather than some dead man.

**17:09  
**Maybe becoming a criminal would be even easier.

**17:18  
**Planning my first crime, which would be spraypaint a picture of myself on a wall.  
Will do this tonight, must buy some cans first, I don't own spraypaint yet.

**17:32  
**Maybe Glen does?

**17:45  
**Yep, he does. Raided his closet aswell, found spraypaint, porn, darts and a dead mouse...  
Think Glen's cat, Bunchlax might've put it there...

**17:52  
**I mean the porn... I'm 100% sure Glen put the dead mouse there himself.

**18:09  
**Watching Oprah. Oprah says there's no such thing as insanity, and it's not nice to call people insane either.

**18:13  
**Will arrange for Oprah to meet Paul, Shawn, Ken, Rey, Beth and Santino.

**18:17  
**I forgot Randy, John C, John M, Finlay and Dave.

**18:25  
**And Melina.

**18:33  
**How the Hell did I forget Glen?

**18:37  
**Probably because he's still not home yet. Should I worry? I am starting to get hungry again.

**19:04  
**Bubba called. I love Bubba.

"Marky, listen, what ya gonna do?"  
"Eh?"  
"What ya gonna do when they come for you."

Then he hung up. He makes no sense... At all.

**19:38  
**Still hungry, whose foodstash to raid next?

**19:39  
**Kozlov.

**20:32  
**At Kozlov's, eating something Russian. Hope I'm not eating _a_ Russian, though I wouldn't be surprised.

**20:55  
**Brilliant conversation;

Vlad: "I need better competition."  
Me: "I know."  
Vlad: "Better competition."  
Me: "Yep."  
Vlad: "Undertaker, I challenge you."  
Me: "Really?"  
Vlad: "Yes."

Then he got up, walked to his closet and came back with a box.

Vlad: "I challenge you now."  
Me: "Now?"  
Vlad: "Yes. Now."

He put down the box.

Me: "Now already?"  
Vlad: "Now yes, play.... Checkers."

... I didn't expect that.

**21:30  
**I lost, Russians are awfully good at playing checkers. Maybe it's because I was white, and he was black... I should've been black, he's not the one they call the Undertaker.

**21:34  
**That didn't make a lot of sense, now did it?

**21:45  
**Home again. I like Vlad, he might become my new friend. We could tag together sometime.

**21:49  
**The doorbell rang, and guess who's back?  
My little brother of destruction!

**22:32  
**Might not go out tonight for my initiation as a criminal after all... Glen was so pissed that I told the cops he wasn't my friend, he chokeslammed into a wall. I wanted to do something back to him but he came after me as soon as I got back up, and speared me to the ground.  
I think I broke something, and no, it's not just my pride.

**22:59  
**Hmmm, Shawn walked in. Damnit, he shouldn't have seen me on the ground.  
"Damn Mark, looking for something?" He asked smirking when he saw me.  
I grunted. "Just my dignity."  
Shawn laughed. "You mean you had that?"

And he walked away...

**23:10  
**Someone help me up, please. Please pretty please.

**23:13  
**I'll just call Ken.

**23:15  
**"What?" Ken said.  
"Help me up."  
"Help you up?" Ken asked.  
"Yes, please."  
"Hmmm... Up huh, so it's down..." He said.  
"What?"  
"Hmmm, I suggest you try vaseline."

Ken hung up... Some things never change.

**23:18  
**Started yelling very loud until Shawn came back downstairs. Told him to help me to my room.  
Shawn shrugged and dragged me to the basement.  
I don't sleep in the basement!

**23:43  
**Hmpf, now I do. I'm tired, so... Goodnight.

* * *


	2. Criminals, cats and phonecalls

Thanks my loves for the reviews on part 1. I'm happy, keep doing it and I'll keep writing this nonsense.

**Note: **I haven't been very well lately and need to write it off, if anyone has a good idea for a hurt/comfort, angst or tragedyfic let me know via PM. NO Orton, Cena, JBL or Evan B. Or Cryme Tyme.

**R&R please, and enjoy. **

And stay away from the Cerebral Assassin. He's mine.  
_OH WAIT Disclaimer: Don't own WWE, not even C. Assassin._

* * *

**December 7**

**10:00  
**Woke up from sound of alarmclock, opened eyes and saw little babybrother also known as Big Red Machine.  
He was the one ringing. I am now certain of Glen eating alarmclock.

**10:12  
**Wonder if I should cut Glen open and take my clock back.

**10:17  
**Trying to convince Glen to let me operate on him. He refuses. Will drug him later on, might do good to my carreer as a criminal.

**10:35  
**Taking shower now, just realised diary's are not supposed to get wet for a good reason.

**10:39  
**Got a phonecall, stepped out of shower, looking very nude.

"Yes?"  
"Hell-o Undertaker, what are you wearing?" Someone said with a strange voice.  
"Well, nothing."

They hung up again. How very confusing.

**11:56  
**Got another phonecall.

"Yeah?"  
"Undertaker, are you done?"  
I wasn't sure with what, but sure... "Yeah sure."  
"Then pull your pants up."

They hung up again. I'm slightly amused though.

**12:05  
**Wonder where Glen went. I bet that, wherever he went, he'll end up downtown again anyway. I'm still not missing a bald friend.

**12:09  
**Wait, what if the cops mean Big Showoff Paul when they ask me that? In that case Paul might still be waiting for me to pick him up.

**12:14  
**Went on MSN, asked Paul where he was.

_Paulie says:_  
What do you mean where am I??!!!!

_MM & Funky Bunch says:  
_I mean, where are you?

_Paulie says:_  
Stop asking, I'm not doing anything wrong or immoral!

_MM & Funky Bunch says:  
_... What?

_Paulie says:  
_No Mark, I'm not having you bring me down again!

And he went offline. I wonder what's wrong with everyone today. I'm starting to get worried.

**12:27  
**Screw that, I don't care. As long as I don't go insane I'm happy.

**12:43  
**Watching Oprah. Oprah says she weighs 200 pounds.  
I wish oprah would say why the hell I should give a damn about that. God, I weigh more.

**12:49  
**On the scale. Still under 300 pounds. I'm so happy. Very sexy deadman.

**12:58  
**Oprah says webcams are evil. I must agree, mine keeps disappearing for no reason, suspecting a conspiracy.

**13:03  
**Oprah says Myspace is evil, for all you know little 14-year-old girls could be men with beards or something.  
Now I wonder; Has Oprah never met the bearded lady?

**13:05  
**Wait, did I ever meet the bearded lady?

**13:09  
**Yeah, I met Mark Henry plenty of times.

**13:14  
**Oprah says it's okay to check your children's e-mails and msn, because it's safe.

**13:43  
**Checking Glen's e-mails, found this:

_Dear Kane,  
__I disagree.  
__Paul L._

_Dear Glen,  
__no.  
__Paul L._

_Dear mister,  
__I'm your biggest fan, but stop threatening Rey or I will massacre you.  
__Jo._

_Hell-o baby brother,  
__I ate all the damn fishsticks again, buy me some new ones please.  
__Please pretty please.  
__The UNDERTAKER._

Technically I can e-mail him that last message at least once a day, I just love fishsticks.

**14:10  
**Watching dr. Phil now. Some girl on dr. Phil says she commited homocide because she had PMS.  
Wonder if I can pull that off too?

**14:14  
**Called Paul the Game.  
"Paul I stole your sledgehammer and killed Shawn with it."  
"Really?! Why?!" Paul yelled back.  
"Cause of my PMS." I said.  
"What's that?" Paul asked.  
"It's before I get my period, you know?"  
"Ooooh... Want me to bring you some chocolate?"

Yes, I too can pull it off.

**14:34  
**Really, where's Glen?

**14:59  
**Cops called, how very surprising.

"Yellow?"  
"Hello sir, your brother is here, and lost."  
"Oh." I said. "Send him home and I'll try and remember to tie him to the table."  
"Thank you."

I hope they bring Glen back with a policecar, will be great his reputation.

**15:15  
**Making attempt to do some yoga. Am now stuck with my leg behind my head.  
Call Ken...?

**15:17  
**"Ken, I'm stuck." I said.  
Ken didn't reply, which is odd, because Ken always replies. Even when nobody says something.  
"Ken, help me please."  
"No."  
Ken hung up.

What the hell is going on?

**15:39  
**Glen's back and he was nice enough to help me get back up again. I am never trying yoga again.

**16:00  
**Decided tonight's the night I'm gonna make it happen... I like singing. I wonder why?

**16:04  
**I don't remember what I'm gonna make happen though.

**16:06  
**What an awfully crooked sentence.

**16:07  
**Is crooked even a word? Doesn't Adam have a teddybear named Mr. Crooked-Decapitated?

**16:09  
**Yeah, he does... I remember what I'm going to make happen tonight. I will become a criminal! I still have Glen's spraypaint, so tonight I'm going to spraypaint an image of myself onto a wall.  
I must not forget to dress in black.

**16:14  
**I forgot, I always dress in black anyway. I should be one of the men in black.

**16:19  
**My clothes could get dirty though, so I might aswell lend something from my lovely brother of destruction.

**17:01  
**I went to check Glen's closet but I can't find anything to wear. The only thing there is his wrestlingoutfit, and there's no way in hell I'll wear those pants.

**17:09  
**Will wear his mask though, if the police sees me they'll think it was 'Kane'. How cool is that.

**17:38  
**Got a phonecall.

"Hello Mark?"  
"Hello."  
"It's me, Paul, Shawn's here, I can tell you didn't kill him."  
"Hehe, you're too gullible." I said.  
"I'm not bringing you chocolate anymore either."

He hung up. Damnit.

**17:49  
**Got another phonecall.

"Mark! Hi."  
"Hi, is that you AdamEdge?" I asked.  
"Yep, it's me." Adam replied.  
"Okidoki, just checking."

I hung up before he could, I'm sick of people hanging up on me.

**18:03  
**Regal's here, I'm not sure why though... He came in, sat down and started staring at me. I'm starting to get scared.

**18:09  
**He's still staring, might be a british thing?

**18:14  
**He's still staring.I think I might get Glen and have him chased away.

**18:23  
**Asked Glen to chase Regal away. Glen sat down and started to stare back at Regal.

**18:44  
**Told Regal to stay here, to not go away, ever.  
Regal left.

**18:48  
**Reverse psychology works on the british.

**19:02  
**It's Austin! Austin's here!

**19:09  
**Austin was only here for the beer. He stole all of Glen's Heineken and took off again.  
I'm not even surprised.

**19:16  
**Planning my crime. I will spraypaint myself on a wall wearing only Glen's pants. That way people will once again think it was Kane, and I am a sexy deadman, I can pull it off being halfnaked.

**19:36  
**I mean the painting of me will be halfnaked. As I said, no way in hell I'm going to actually wear those pants in real life.

**19:45  
**Glen's cat Bunchlax is burying something in the garden. I hope the damn animal isn't trying to hide any dead dogbodies again.

**20:01  
**Glen says he wants another cat, I don't want more animals in here. Glen and Bunchlax are enough, thank you.

**20:03  
**Bunchlax attacked me for no reason at all. Had a conversation with him.

"Bunchlax, listen... You need to behave." I told him.  
Bunchlax blinked.  
"Did you ever see the movie Apt. Pupil?" I asked.  
Bunchlax yawned. The nerve he has!  
"In that movie an old mister tries to cook a cat in an oven."  
"Meow."

I think he understands me...

**20:09  
**Bunchlax attacked me again. Decided to treat him the same way I treated Regal.  
"Bunchlax, please do keep attacking me, I like it."

**20:14  
**Bunchlax is chewing on my foot. Reverse psychology does not work on cats.

**20:24  
**Told Glen I was going to buy some beer because Steve stole ours.  
He suspects nothing...

**23:01  
**My painting is done. The paint is dripping, and someone who walked by asked me who made it... He said it looks like someone tried to make a stickman Kane-version.  
How was I supposed to know spraypainting is hard?

**23:09  
**Home again. Forgot the beer. Told Glen I was attacked by aliens and he believed me...

"Oh Mark, but you didn't get hurt?"  
I shook my head. "No, I gave them my phone."  
"Why?" Glen asked.  
"'Cause they just wanted to phone home."  
Glen nodded and smiled. "That makes sense... Wait, I'll get the beer."

I love my clueless baby brother.

**23:23  
**Shawn's here again. Nobody knows why, but every single day Shawn shows up late in the evening, and spends the night here.  
Considering the fact we only have two beds and I never encountered him in mine, I think he has a thing for Glen...

**23:34  
**Or he's a hobo and spends the night here because Hunter threw him out. That'd make more sense, those two always fight.

**23:38  
**But why here?  
I am going to ask him...

"Shawn, why are you here?" I asked.  
"I don't have a home." He replied.  
"But what about Paul?"  
"He threw me out, I told him he has a big nose."

Ah, that makes sense, everyone knows that's a touchy subject.

"But why are you **here**?"  
Shawn sighed. "Matt and Jeff don't have room, because Shannon is staying there, and Morisson and the Miz don't want me around because I sing when I'm using the bathroom."  
"Oh. How about you stay at Rey's?" I asked.  
"Don't want to, Rey's whole house is tiny, everytime I'm there I hit my head when I stand up straight."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah..." Shawn said annoyed.  
"Then I suggest you stop wearing high heels."

God, that man is just as clueless as Glen.

**23:45  
**Glen's back with the beer. Told him to talk to Shawn about secretly moving in here. If Shawn wants to live here he'll have to pay rent.

**23:55  
**And wash my clothes.

**00:04  
**I am annoyed right now... I don't know why, but for some insane reason Cena came by, in the middle of the night yes, and brought a kitten.  
Yes, a kitten. A kitten for Glen... And I told him I didn't want any more animals in the house.

**00:32  
**It's rather adorable though...

**00:37  
**The kitten is taking a nap on my foot, it's so cute.

**00:41  
**Fine, we're keeping it.

**00:48  
**Bunchlax hissed at the kitten... How sad.

**00:55  
**The kitten is playing with Glen now and Bunchlax is still hissing. Now realise he was/is hissing at me. I bet he'll make a companion from the kitten, and they'll lurk in the shadows, waiting for the perfect opportunity to kill me to death.

**00:57  
**Wait, I'm dead already.

**00:59  
**Haha... Kill me to death... Haha. Ugh.

**01:12  
**Asked Glen what he was gonna call the kitten... From now on the kitten's name is Thor, like that weird god...  
That kitten better not get arrogant with a name like that.

**01:19  
**Thor is the god of thunder or something? I wonder if the kitty can throw lightningbolts too, in that case...  
I'm doomed.

**01:25  
**Cena is still here, and so is Shawn who's probably not leaving tonight either. So much for hoping for a quiet night.

**01:29  
**Kozlov arrived. Why the hell is Kozlov coming over around half past 1 in the middle of the night?

**01:34  
**He wanted to play checkers. Playing checkers with Kozlov, already on the losing end.

**02:00  
**Lost from Kozlov, piledrove him into the couch, just for fun.  
Sending Cena and Kozlov away... Time to sleep.

**02:12  
**Had to kick them out, but they're gone. Time to go to bed.

**02:17  
**In bed. Goodnight.

* * *

**Once again:** If you have an idea for a more serious fic, please tell me. I can't think of anything, writing this chapter alone took me 3 days.  
I want to write a songfic, preferably from MCR or Linkin Park.  
Buh, I'll try to update soon, if I find my brain back. I really need to write some things off.

R&R lovelies, if you want to duh.


	3. Congrats man!

Hope y'all had a great Christmas!

**Disclaimer:** No owny okidoki?

* * *

**December 10th.**

**09:04:**  
Woke up because someone was chewing on my foot. Realised it was Thor, Glen's new evil kittycat.  
I can tell Bunchlax is already trying to turn Thor into another big threat around the house. Am not amused...  
Not amused at all.

**10:00  
**Fed cats, am now listening to Glen, who's ringing again. I don't understand how he was able to swallow an alarmclock, and I definetely don't understand it hasn't killed him yet.  
Still feel the need to cut him open and retrieve the clock I really need to make sure I don't sleep in too late.

**10:16  
**Watching The A-Team for the 100th. time. I don't get it, they never die...  
Ya gotta like Mr. T though.

**10:19  
**Still waiting for unexpected A-Team deaths, but it's not happening. I wish I had psychic powers so I could help them a little.  
I believe Paul has psychic powers?

**10:44  
**Called Paul.

"Triple H here."  
"Paul, what am I eating?" I asked.  
"Fishsticks."  
I nodded to the phone."Thanks." I said. "Now make someone from the A-Team die please."  
"Hummmm, Mr. T?" He asked.  
"I don't care, anyone..."  
"But I haven't seen any of them lately... Ask Glen to do it."  
"Glen don't have powers like you do, man." I said annoyed.  
"Powers?"  
"Psychic powers?"  
"I have those?" Paul asked.  
"Don't you?"  
"No," Paul said "but Shawn does."  
"I don't like Shawn, he thinks I live in the basement." I grunted.  
"Really? You mean you don't?"  
"No, I have a room... The one that says 'STAY OUT!' on the door."  
"Really?" Paul asked. "I thought that was a guestroom."  
"Why the hell would I write 'STAY OUT!' on the door of the guestroom?" I asked confused.  
"Maybe you were expecting annoying guests?"

I hung up, there is no reasoning with that man.

**10:58  
**Watching Glen, who's trying to teach Thor how to fetch the newspaper. He just doesn't seem to understand Thor can't do that, because the newspaper is thrice as big as the damn kitten itself.  
Am amused though.

**11:17  
**Went to work, am supposed to wrestle Kozlov today. I wonder why that man likes to wrestle... I know he's good, but damn, he's even better at playing checkers.

**11:29  
**People have been eyeing me, I wonder if there's something on my face? I don't like being stared at, at least not by that damn Cena and Wight. I think they're up to something, but only God knows what.  
Nothing pretty, I am sure of that.

**12:01  
**They locked me up somewhere and now they keep telling me to hand over this damn diary... I'm so annoyed, why do they want my diary? It's not like there's statesecrets in here or anything?  
I'm starting to get cold here, they took my pants before they locked me up. What are they going to do with my pants?

**12:09  
**Oh, set them on fire.  
Okay.

**12:16  
**But why?

**12:23  
**"Gimme that damn journal." Cena yelled.  
"Don't yell at me you white Tupac!" I yelled back.  
Cena set my pants on fire. Since they can not threaten me with that anymore I am not giving them my diary!

**13:30  
**Cold... I'm freezing my ass off. Well, I would be had I not been wearing boxers.  
Nobody knows I'm in here and somehow Paul and Cena left.  
Someone will find me, I'm sure. After all my pants are there, on the ground, burned to ashes.

**13:42  
**What if someone thinks I was killed? What if someone believes spontaneous combustion is real? What if someone thinks hell opened up in order to reclaim me?  
Oh no, I'm doomed, I tell ya!

**13:48  
**I like being doomed, I am the Deadman after all.

**14:15  
**Still here, still... Well locked up and cold.  
What do I do now? Every other time would've called Ken, but I don't have my phone here. I gave it to Glen because he's going to a Backstreet Boys concert, and I wanted him to be able to reach me if he'd get run over by herds of little girls.

**14:17  
**Hmmm, I just figured; Glen can't reach me anyway, because I gave him _my_ phone.  
I'm so stupid.  
I hope he doesn't end up calling my number with my phone. He'll blame for not picking up forever, while in fact he'd be calling himself.

**14:23  
**Haha, I bet he tries though.

**14:44  
**I'm glad he's not alone out there... I'm pretty sure Shawn will be able to save him if needed. Unless Shawn disappears backstage to make out with a Backstreet Boy.  
In that case both Brothers of Destruction are doomed.

**14:53  
**Doomed, I tell ya!

**15:01  
**About to start screaming. I've been in here long enough, I want to put new pants on.  
I don't have any with me, I'll borrow some. Preferably from Cena, because Paul's are a bit too big. He's not the Big Show for nothing.  
Though I gotta admit there's less show to him than about a year ago... He looks good these days.

**15:03  
**Let me out already...

**15:19  
**Enough with this. Cena is back and wants my diary, now he'll get my diary! As long as I can get out, and if I get this damn notebook back, I will give it to him!  
He might actually get to know me better... Like find out I don't sleep in the basement and I could use Glen as an alarmclock if necessary.  
See you later diary, probably tomorrow.  
I better...

CENA! If you don't return this thing in time I will send you straight to hell!

**  
Dear Mark  
****If you read this it means locking you away without pants is reason enough for you to do anything.  
**I will remember that if I ever need something from you. Like money, fireworks, fishsticks or girlfriends.  
Anyway dear Deadman, there is a reason I have your journal... It's because I wanted to do something nice!  
I know what you're thinking; Cena is not nice. Cena is Cena, and therefore not nice. I'm a smart man, right?  
Yes I am, but you're not. Because I locked you up and when you came out, pantsless, you didn't even  
chokeslam me. Instead you glared and gave me your journal, which contains odd information. Wow.  
Anyway, the reason I needed this thing is because... It was 20 years ago Mark. 20 years ago today...  
20 years ago that, for the very first time in your life, you ate fishsticks!  
I know how very important fishsticks are to you, for only one reason. The first, and obviously last time I  
decided to eat your fishsticks you beat me up so bad my nose was broken. I looked like Michael Jackson  
for a few weeks, and that means business right?  
So because you told me the first time you had fishsticks was on a 10th. of december in 1988, I decided to  
be nice and celebrate. On the following page(s) you will find out what your other friends think of your insane  
obsession with fishsticks, and they'll have a chance to congratulate you.  
I myself want the first opportunity:  
Congrats Deadman, that's a lot of dead fish you ate there.  
I still think you should be sued.  
-Cena.

**MarkyMarky.  
**Baptista and I have decided to do this together, because the Manimal hates you and I feel bad for that... So  
I'm pretending this is from Baptista too, and you'll never know how much he hates you because I'm such a  
nice man.  
Congrats on so many dead fish disappearing into your belly. I was astounded, and so was Beth, who is looking  
at what I'm writing because I'm not allowed to say certain things... She just hit me, I'm not allowed to say that...  
And that.  
Never mind Marky, let's do this quickly and painles.  
Congrats, I hope many more fish find death because of your huge appetite.  
-Santino & Baptista & Beth (She made me mention her too... Aww I wasn't allowed to say that either.)

**Mark man.  
**I just saw the Backstreet Boys, it was awesome. And I don't like the things you wrote about me. I did not eat  
your alarmclock, I accidently swallowed it when I tried to prove it fit in my mouth.  
And you're not operating on me.  
Also, congrats. I bought you fishsticks for at least ten years, so start paying me back.  
-Glen

**Congrats.  
**-Adam

**MARK!**  
I got your damn journal, now pay me 5.000.000 euro's or you'll never get it back!  
-MVP

**Mark^^  
**No worries, I retrieved your diary from mister dumb... It's oki, it's safe.  
Congrats on that many fishsticks. In that amount of time. Or something like that.  
Love,  
-Mickie.

**Hey man,  
**I'm amused, your days are awfully odd... Sleeping in the basement, phonecalls, fishsticks, too much Glen, cops,  
criminals, cats and nonsense. We should hang out more often. I'll let you use my head as a sidetable.  
And yeah, congrats!  
-Dylan the leprechaun.

**Mark...  
**Cena told me your friends should write you something nice and he gave me this journal.  
We're not friends, neither do I feel the need to be nice, so...  
*Censored*  
-Randy

**Hellokidoki!  
**I called PETA and they want to see you as soon as possible. It's not good for your carreer as a wrestler to eat that  
many fishsticks. I hope they'll lock you up.  
-Paul (The Game)

**Hey man,  
**tell me how you eat that many fishsticks and still don't get fat. Please tell me, I want to know your secret.  
-Melina

**Mark,  
**are you happy we stole this journal now? Isn't it nice to get so many lovely messages from people that love you?  
Or don't love you, just ignore Randy and Paul man.  
Paul L, not Paul Wight, for that would be me.  
Congrats!  
Paul W.

**Hello  
**Congrats.  
-Me (I spit in the face of people who refuse to be cool)

**  
23:09  
**They have given me my diary back. I'm reading the nonsense.

**23:45  
**In the mood for fishsticks now.

**01:00  
**Made Glen make me fishsticks, ate them, now going to bed.  
Nightynight.

* * *

That was long, wasn't it? Hmmm...  
Will update in 2009 lmao  
Have a good new years eve and don't blow your hands off with fireworks. Or set hedges on fire like I did last year.


	4. Flying squirrels and a costume party

Whoohoo 20 reviews for 3 chapters, keep it up, keep it up!  
**And Happy Newyear! Whoohoo! Hahaharrrr.**  
**Disclaimer:** Do I look like I own WWE? Oh, you can't see me? Oh, sorry. I don't look like someone that owns anything anyway. So NO OWNY OKIDOKI?

**Inspired by:** Suikoden II, there's a flying squirrel in it, with a cape. Google Mukumuku and you'll see.

_R&R, enjoy, bring me cookies.

* * *

_**December 13th.**

**05:01  
**Holy Hell, I woke up before 9! I gotta tell Glen!

**05:12  
**Told Glen, he said; 'No please Thor, stop calling me a squirrel'.  
Decided not to bother him when he's asleep again.

**05:17  
**Maybe he wasn't asleep, but actually thought I was Thor?  
I don't even have a beard, how can I be a God?

**05:26  
**Do Gods even have beards? Maybe they are bald _everywhere_. Or maybe they are hairy everywhere, so you can't make out whether it's a beard, or whether their chesthair starts at that point.  
Maybe they don't even call it beards, maybe they call it fur.  
I think Bunchlax has a beard. He sure as hell has some weird whiskers, let me tell you that.

**05:33  
**What if Gods aren't even there? What if they're like, not there, but there? You know, invisible?  
I gotta ask Paul about Gods, he has powers.

**05:39  
**Called Paul.  
"Paul! Do Gods have beards?" I asked him.  
"Whuuuuu?" was his answer.  
"Beards, Paul, beards."  
"Whuuuuu?"  
"Beards, hairy faces, king kong, Mark Henry."  
Paul giggled. "Whut? Am I speaking to Mark Henry?"  
"No! It's me, Marky Marky, do Gods have faces?"  
"Faces?" Paul asked.  
"NO not faces, beards! Hairy faces!"  
"Are you calling me Hairy Face?" Paul asked groggily.  
I sighed. "Noooo, do Gods have beards?"  
"I dunno, why do you ask?"  
"Hmmm... I don't remember."

I hung up.

**06:00  
**It is 6 o'clock. I'm up and running.  
Well, I'm up. Not running. This room is too small to run in. I think.

**06:10  
**Yes, indeed too small.

**06:17  
**Am so very bored... Time to wake up baby brother of destruction.  
"Glennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!"  
Glen turned around. "Hrrrrrrr."  
"Glen! Wake up!"  
"Hrrrrrr..."  
"Glen!" I yelled, "What is that sound?"  
"Hrrrrrrrrrrr..." He purred.  
He purred... He purred?

I lifted up the blanket and saw, just as I should've expected, Bunchlax and Thor.  
Which reminded me...

"Glen Glen! Do Gods have beards?" I asked my sleeping brother of destruction.  
"Hrrrrrr..."

Hmm, so that sound really did emerge from Glen eh?  
That's just plain scary. Time to go away!

**06:33  
**It's so early and I'm so hyper, what to do, what to do?  
Call Ken?

"Kennedyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Ken yelled. Well, at least someone's up.  
"Ken! I am bored, and no I have no vaseline."  
"That's a sad thing, do you want to come over?"  
"And do what?"  
"Dress up, there's a party tonight!" Ken said sounding content.  
"Where?"  
"At eh... Well. Shawn's."  
"I hate Shawn." I said. "He thinks I sleep in the basement."  
"You mean you don't?"

Oh dear, here we go again...

"No I don't, I sleep in the room that says 'stay out' on the door, and no that's not a guestroom, so don't ask."  
Ken remained silent.  
"Ken?"  
"That was a long sentence." He finally said.  
"I know, tell me about it." I sighed.  
"Well, there were many words, so it was long. Which is odd, because I'm talkative, and you are not, so I should make long sentences, like I'm doing now."  
"What?" I asked.  
"You said 'tell me about it'," Ken said "and I did."  
"Ugh, what a pain." I moaned. "Anyway, party at Shawn's, and?"  
"Be right back! Nature calls!" Ken yelled, and I heard him throw the phone on the floor.

Doesn't he have... Tables?  
Probably not.

**06:46  
**Still on the phone, waiting. Where'd he go anyway?  
Oh, never mind, he came back.

"I'm back."  
I grunted. "Took ya long enough."  
"Ja, I found a magazine."  
"And?"  
"And it was interesting."  
"Really?"  
"Yah, so, party, at Shawn's. Costume party, so you better not show up in black." Ken said.  
"What're you wearing?"  
Ken gasped. "What?! How dare you ask something like that? That's gross Mark, I am not interested!"  
I smirked. "No, I mean at...-"  
Ken hung up.  
" ...the party?"

Damnit.

**07:33  
**Think I'll dress up as something original, like a letterbox.

**07:37  
**Or an assassin?  
What do assassins look like anyway?

**07:45  
**I should ask Glen.  
"Glen." I said to my still-sleeping brother. "What does an assassin look like?"  
"Ugh, hrrrrrr... Squirrels."  
"Really? Flying squirrels?"  
"Hrrrrr... Thor."  
"Thor is a flying squirrel? Does he have a cape?" I asked.  
"Hrrrrrr..." Glen purred. "Hrrrrr... Oh no!"  
"No?" I said.  
"Nooooo, not the washingmachine, I don't fit in there!"  
"Who's putting you in a washingmachine?!" I yelled.  
"Hrrrr, the squirrels! No! Noooo!"

I decided to run away before he accidently knocked me out because he thought I was a flying squirrel.  
Am now very worried about him, I think he needs to see a shrink. I'll ask Khali if he'll talk to Glen.

**08:15  
**Hmm, fishsticks. I'm hungry.

**08:18  
**Someone called. Come on, I'm eating!

"Yellow?" I yelled.  
"Ahaha harrr harrr harrr." Someone said.  
"Carlito?"  
"Jah! Listen, I got a riddle!" He said.  
"No thanks..."  
"No no! Yes! Here it is... How hungry are hungry Hungarians in Hungary when hungry Hungarians aren't hungry enough to eat?"  
"What the hell?"  
"You don't know, do you?" Carlito asked.  
"Eh, what?"  
"Hungry Hungarians!" Carlito said. "So?"  
"I don't care, as long as they leave my fishsticks alone." I said. "Now scram!"

I hung up.

**10:00  
**Woke up again, with my face on the table. I think I fell asleep again or something...  
Glen's sitting at the table too, and he's ringing again. It still freaks me out.

**17:00  
**WOW! I got arrested because Ken told the cops I wanted to harm him!  
Why would I harm Ken? I find Y2J much more attractive! And at least Chris doesn't shout his name every six seconds...  
I went to jail, which is good, because now I'm even more of a criminal, and that's exactly what I want! Now I can drive around in cabs, pretending to be followed, and they'll put me on that wanted list and stuff...

Hey, I think it's snowing.

**17:16  
**It is!  
I have an evil plan...

**17:26  
**No time for evil plan, forgot the party. Must go find some clothes now, and dress up.  
Dress up as what?

**18:00  
**Dressed up as eskimo, 'cause it's so damn cold outside.  
Smart thinking of the deadman.

**18:15  
**Going to Shawn's, Glen is coming too.  
Glen, for some reason, dressed up as a giant gingerbread man. I'm frightened. It's too bad he doesn't have a cape, really.

**18:22  
**Haha... Glen just fell over in the snow, and he can't get up anymore. This is great.

**19:00  
**At Shawn's place, very amused at the sight of so many insane people dressing up, making them look even more insane than they already were.  
Aha, I see Carlito... Mental note to self: Avoid the big red apple with frizzy hair.

**19:09  
**Shawn dressed up too, he's wearing a skirt, a tube top, stockings and... When he bent over I saw he's wearing really big boxershorts aswell.  
Very smart, if the skirt doesn't fit well he can take it off and pretend the boxers were his first idea when he dressed up.

**19:14  
**I think Beth dressed up as Pikachu... How odd, I wonder what Marella looks like.

**19:32  
**Hmmm okay, Pikachu and Ash. And I think Pikachu could easily beat Ash in this case.

**19:39  
**Santino just yelled 'Beth! Do your thunderbolt!', and Beth hit him in the face.  
This party is awesome.

**20:21  
**I'm getting drunk tonight I think. I have to, because there's no way I'll hold out until midnight without any alcohol.  
I'm not an alcoholic, but seeing Glen dressed up as a gingerbread man makes you wish you were.

**20:26  
**Ken arrived, still looking a little pissed at me. I wonder why? I didn't do anything.  
Ken dressed up as a superhero. Hmmm...  
At least he has a cape.

Walked up to Ken.  
"Ken, man, that's a nice cape."  
Ken took a step back. "Mark, I am not interested in you that way!" He said.  
I pouted, just to annoy him. "Why not?"  
"Because you're a man, man, I'm not gay."  
"Hmmmm..."

I walked away again, leaving Ken behind probably pretty damn confused.

**20:35  
**Hurray the Game arrived! And he dressed up as himself.  
How boring, I should ask him why.

**20:39  
**Paul dressed up as Triple H, that's what he says. When I told him he actually is Triple H, he started to tell me that he's pretending to be Triple H.  
Which makes me wonder; Where's the real Triple H?

**20:45  
**Paul came back and told me he was trying to say that he is Paul first, and Triple H next. Just like I'm Mark first, and the Undertaker next.  
Chokeslammed him into a wall to prove I'm deadman first, Mark next.

**21:01  
**It's way too hot in this outfit. Am never dressing up as eskimo again, no matter how hard it snows.

**21:03  
**Took off outfit, now in boxershorts and huge boots... Told people I dressed up as man-stuck-on-hot-deserted-island-with-no-clothes.  
They actually believe me.

**21:09  
**Dancing with pikachu. How sexy.

**21:14  
**Dancing with Ash, what a turn-off. Damnit.

**21:17  
**Eating fishsticks. Whoohoo, Shawn might not like me, but he did think about me when he bought food for the party.  
I should thank him for this.

**21:22  
**Glen said that if I didn't stop eating that many fishsticks soon, I would transform into a fish myself someday.  
I hope he's right about that.

**21:33  
**Hmmmm, Cena said that if I am the man-stuck-on-hot-deserted-island-with-no-clothes, I shouldn't be wearing boxers or boots either.  
When I suggested I'd take 'em off he ran away.

**21:49  
**Oh we're going to play a game. At least that's what Paul said... 'Time to play the game!'  
Oki.

**22:04  
**Checkers again? Damnit, they're not very original are they? Guess who I played with?  
Kozlov.  
Yes, and he still rules, so I lost once again. I think I might be doomed.

**22:10  
**I still like being doomed... Haha.

**22:13  
**Kozlov dressed up as a radio. I didn't know that was possible. He even has buttons.  
I asked him 'Can I turn you on?' and he said 'okay'.  
That was funny.

**22:17  
**I crack myself up these days.

**22:25  
**I think Shawn's throwing a kids party, because he wants to play spin the bottle.  
I haven't done that in years... At least 5. Ha.  
Oh hell, it's my turn.

**22:30  
**It landed on Melina. Which is always better than Y2J, because Chris dressed up as a heavy metalhead, and he looks scary.  
Very scary.  
Though he does look good in leather.

**22:39  
**Haha, when Ken spinned the bottle it landed it on me. I know Ken doesn't like me much today, and he thinks I have a thing for him, so I decided to annoy him even more.  
I got up on my knees and sat down really close to Ken, I smiled at him and closed in on him as if I was going to kiss him. Ken got up with the speed of light and jumped into the bathroom, which, as I could hear, was locked moments after.  
I really do crack myself up these days.

**01:00**  
Home.  
Finally.  
I'm slightly buzzed and got in a fight with a moose who dressed up as Festus.  
Or was it Festus dressed up as a moose?  
Who cares, same difference.  
I need to go to bed... NIGHTNIGHT!

* * *

**That was LONG!  
Where're my cookies?**


	5. Roaming the streets

I'm hungry. And I bought Singstar. Singstar is so much fun, you gotta play it too! (But why did I get a good score on Karma Chameleon? Is that coincidence?)  
**Inspired by: **Nothing, but I'm so amused!

Please people, keep up the reviews. It may sound stupid but it makes me happy to know you people actually laugh when reading this. It's so awesome.  
ENJOY!

* * *

**December 16th.**

**09:22  
**I woke up because something is going on downstairs. The question is; What?  
I'll go take a look.

**09:27  
**Ah, so Glen decided it'd be a great idea to drill a hole into a wall, because he thought that would make it easier to go to the neighbours.  
Sad thing however is, we have no neighbours on that side.

**09:34  
**Damn cold. Having a hole in your wall that leads outside in the middle of December is not a good thing.  
Oh man, now people can just walk in. That's so bad, now I won't be able to hide and pretend nobody's home whenever Paul or Shawn come by.

**10:00  
**Glen's ringing again. It's annoying. Well, at least it's not a beep-beep-beep alarmclock. That would make things much worse.

**10:09  
**Glen says he doesn't mind having a clock inside. It has only gotten him into trouble once.

**10:15  
**Decided to ask him when, even though I don't really care.

"Well," Glen said, "this one time..."  
"At band camp?" I asked.  
"What? No I wasn't at band camp... I haven't been at band camp for over 15 years."  
"I was quoting American Pie."  
"American Pie?" Glen asked, "What's that?"  
"A movie."  
"About pies?"  
I frowned. "No, about men dressing up as gingerbread men."  
"Like I did at Shawn's party?"  
"Yeah..." I said, "Now continue."  
"Do you have that movie?" Glen asked.

He's so annoying.

"No, it was banned."  
"Like Donald Duck?" Glen asked.  
"Donald Duck?"  
"Donald Duck was banned for not wearing pants somewhere."  
"Oh." I said, "Yeah, like Donald Duck."  
"So the gingerbread men were not wearing pants?"  
I shook my head.  
"Did they wear anything at all?"  
I nodded. "Bows... You know, around their..."  
"No way!"  
"Their necks." I said.  
"Oooooh." Glen giggled. "What was this about again?"  
"I'm not quite sure." I replied.

Strange conversation indeed.

**10:26  
**I made a box with a hole in it, and placed it in front of the hole in our wall. I hope people might put in letters saying they won't steal our things.  
I also put up a note saying 'Please do not take the bald man, he belongs here.' though I do hope they take him.  
Reverse psychology remember?

**10:39  
**I found out Glen has Singstar on his PS2. Everytime I sing a song it says 'Tone Deaf' when I'm done. I wonder what I'm doing wrong?

**10:46  
**I tried Ice Ice baby. Still tone deaf.

**10:57  
**Pretending to be a rockstar, even though I'm still tone deaf. I like this game, it's rather amusing.

**11:08  
**Glen made a video of me playing Singstar and says he'll put it on YouNoob if I don't give him a present. Am now going to the mall to get him a present.

**11:13  
**When I tried to exit the house, through the door yes, Bunchlax and Thor attacked me from behind and I couldn't get them off my back. I think they have been planning this attack for hours.  
Thor is chewing on my ear. It's kind of turning me on.

**12:27  
**I bought Glen a baseballbat, because he likes baseball. I think. I hope. I have to get my hands on that damn video right now!

**12:35  
**Glen hit me with the baseballbat.  
"I was trying to see if it worked." He said.  
It does.

**12:39  
**Glen tried the baseball again, not on me but on a milkcarton. Yes, it works. Everything's milky now and the cats are having a great time.  
I however am not. It's sticky. I do not like sticky, it makes me go spastic.

**12:54  
**I want to kill my babybrother of Destruction. Who takes his title 'Brother of Destruction' way too seriously.

**13:17  
**Ken called. How odd, usually I call Ken.

"Mark!" Ken yelled.  
"Yes?"  
"Guess who?"

I hung up before he could yell his name. I just wasn't in the mood for it.

**14:01  
**For some reason Bubba decided to stop by, and he's now having a conversation with Glen about hair. Or rather the lack of it.  
They asked me if they could shave my head. There is no way in Hell that will ever happen. And since I come from Hell, it might be good to remain hairy as I am.

**14:09  
**They're dancing. They always dance when Bubba comes over. Or they play the B-game, in which Bubba only uses words that start with a b.  
In that case I think Bubba is playing that game too damn often.

**14:16  
**I knew it.  
"Bubba brought Beth books." Bubba said to Glen.  
"My name is Glen, not Beth." Glen replied dryly.  
"That is not up to you to decide." Bubba said.  
"Then my name is Beth?"  
Bubba shook his head. "Bubba says no."

Glen smirked and hit him with the baseballbat.  
I knew it'd make a good present!

**14:29  
**Remembered very important issue.

"Glen." I said. "Why do you dream about flying squirrels?"  
Glen gasped. "How do you know?!"  
"I was hearing you out about hairy Gods, and you said something about flying squirrels in a washingmachine."  
Glen leaned back in his chair, looking rather relieved.  
"Haha ho ho ho." He laughed. "Must've been a strange dream."

I tilted my head and stared at him intensely. So intesely he fell off his chair.

"Stop it Mark, the squirrels have nothing to do with you." He said from under the table. "Now go eat fishsticks."  
Finally, Glen said something intelligent. Now where are my fishsticks?

**14:39  
**Stone Cold Steve Austin just walked in through the hole in the wall. He said 'Howdy!'.  
"Howdy doody!" Glen yelled, waving.

He doesn't seem bothered by the hole. Or the cold for that matter.

"Why is there a hole?" Austin asked.  
"I wanted an easier way to go to the neighbours." Glen said.  
"But there are no neighbours on that side." Austin pointed out the obvious.  
"I noticed."

Austin grabbed a beer and sat down.  
"Well..." He said. "At least you don't have worry about hot beers, they'll stay cold even outside the fridge."

That does it!

**15:58  
**I am now at Kozlov's, who wants to play checkers again. I don't care, at least Kozlov is sane.  
Well, I think he is. Some others have claimed otherwise ever since Kozlov dressed up as a radio at Shawn's party.  
I asked him if I could turn him on again. He said yes. Somehow I think he might not understand the double meaning of turning on. What a turn-on.

**16:02  
**Decided to call Beth.

"Beth, can I turn you on?" I asked.  
"Anytime babe." She replied.

Major turn-on.

**16:13  
**Kozlov asked if I turned Beth on. I told him yes.

"So, now what will happen?" He asked with a thick accent.  
"Hoo hoo hoo." I just said.

And we played another game of checkers. At least I get to be black now. I had to bribe Kozlov but it worked.  
Now all I need to know is where to get the coffeemug with a zebra-print I promised him.  
Why does Kozlov like zebras anyway?

**16:19  
**He says it's because they are black and white, like a good game of checkers. With stripes.

**17:44  
**Kozlov made me dinner. He said it was Russian food, but I swear to Randy Orton spaghetti is from South-Africa. Kozlov does not believe me.

**17:48  
**Neither do I, really.

**18:00  
**I asked Kozlov if zebras are his favorite animals. He said no, but he likes them because he had a pet once that looked like a zebra.  
I wonder what animal looks like a zebra.

**18:07  
**Apparantly Kozlov thinks bears look like zebras. Does he mean pandabears?

**18:11  
**No he does not.  
Wait, he had a bear? I swore to Randy Orton there were only bears in Latvia.

**18:15  
**"Latvia." Kozlov grunted. "In Latvia bears are no bears."  
"Then what are they?" I asked confused.  
"Grrrr." Kozlov just 'said'.  
"Are they horses?" I asked.  
"Grrrr no."  
"Are they eh... Seals?"  
"Don't be stupid, bears are not seals."

Stupid? Me? He's the one that says bears look like zebras. I'm sick of mr. Russia.

**19:09  
**Am now roaming the streets. I went to Khali's, but when he opened the door he winked. That scared me a little, I don't think Khali is sane.

**19:16  
**Called Ken.  
"Ken, why did Khali wink at me?"  
Ken laughed for about an hour before saying "Because I told him you're gay."  
"You did what?!"  
"You are the one that asked me what I was wearing not too long ago."  
"I meant what you would be wearing at Shawn's party!"  
Ken snickered. "You should've said that before."

I hung up the phone.

**19:28  
**Does this mean I will be on Khali's kiss cam soon? Oh I hope not! That would not do good for my reputation as the Phenom.

**19:30  
**I'm so cold! Who to visit?

**19:45  
**At the Hardy's place. How fun. Jeff was talking to his parrot named Jeff and Matt was having conversation with someone on the phone. I think it was a girl, he sounded pretty happy.

**19:54  
**Matt was talking to Jeff's parrot who for some reason has his own phone. So Jeff was talking to bird-Jeff who was talking to Matt, who was talking to bird-Jeff who was listening to real Jeff talking to bird-Jeff and they had fun.  
I'm impressed. And feel a headache coming up.

**20:10  
**Jeff told me he has a new girlfriend. Her name is Bee.  
Bee huh...  
"Does she buzz?" I asked him.  
Jeff nodded. "Only when she's drunk."  
"So... Hey!" I yelled. "Did you know Glen purrs in his sleep?"

Jeff and Matt, or Maff for short, both gasped. Matt even dropped his spoon. (Yes, how interesting is that?)

"What?" I asked.  
"The squirrels?" They said in unison.  
"What about squirrels?!" I asked. I want to know about the squirrels. Apparantly the Hardys do.  
"Ask Glen, we can't tell you." Matt said looking scared.  
I shrugged. "Oki."

**21:01  
**Back home. No sign of Glen whatsoever. I decided to get the 'sugesstion' box I placed at the hole and see if someone left me a note.

_'Dear mister,  
__I stole your hat.  
__Shawn.'_

_'Hello?'_

_'Hello! Why is there a hole here?!!!?!?!?!?!?????????!' _

_'I am a letter, I'm in your letterbox. I am here. Aha yeah.  
__Let us play checkers.'_

_'dear deadman.  
__this is a cursed letter. if you do not pass it on to at least 5 more people you will die a horrible death caused by purple butterflies.  
__mickie._

_'Ho!  
We stolen yo bald frend! pleez bring us ten nutz by dawn or else...  
__chip, chap and chop.'_

I stared at the letters for a little while before I realised the seriousness in one of them... I had to sit down for a little while and catch my breath.

... I can not die a horrible death... I am dead already!

**01:00  
**Oh yeah, I also wonder about that letter about Glen. Who stole Glen? I have to know!  
I must send them a thanks-note asap!

Oh, and I'm off to bed. NIGHTNIGHT

* * *

**Where is Glen? And what will Marky Marky do about the hole?  
Will Ken call again? And what is up with the squirrels?  
Will Kozlov ever play chess? Will Jeff ever find a normal girl?**

To find out tune in next time for Diary of a Deadman!  
_Presented to you by Triple T._


	6. Nuts 'n squirrels

Hardy Har Har, the last chapters were received well. While in fact I haven't watched wrestling in weeks. I just like to write.  
Just one thing: Resident Evil 4 is so insanely brilliant! (I never wanted to play it, now I can't stop playing).

Disclaimer:  
Do not own WWE, do not own wresters, do not own Afroman. Do not own alarmclock.  
Do own Chip, Chap and Chop.

**Inspired by:** Pirates, Singstar, Resident Evil 4, Suikoden and a lil' o' Final Fantasy (_Oh hell, I'm a nerd_)  
_Special mention for_: **wrestlefan4****. **You gave me the perfect idea here with your comment about Festus and Kane eating an alarmclock.

**Please R&R, no flames please. This'll be INSANE.  


* * *

****Still December 16th.**

**02:00  
**I woke up again. I have to bring Chip and whoever 10 nuts by dawn or they will do something to Glen.  
I think.  
Now don't get me wrong here, I don't like Glen, but I don't want him hurt either. I'm the only one allowed to hurt him.

**02:03  
**Dawn is when the sun comes up right? When will that be?  
When the moon goes down?

**02:06  
**I should ask Paul.  
Called Paul  
"Paul." I said.  
"Aye?"  
"Does the moon go down?"  
"Aye."  
"When?"  
Paul whistled. "When the sun comes up."  
"When does the sun come up?" I asked.  
"At dawn."  
"When's dawn?"  
"When the moon goes down." Paul said.  
"When is that exactly?"  
Paul sighed. "The moon goes down when the sun comes up at dawn."

I hung up. That conversation didn't get me anywhere.

**02:13  
**I should call Ken. Ken's smart and very talkative.

"Ken!"  
"Yes sirree!"  
"Ken, when does the sun come up?" I asked.  
"At dawn."

I hung up again. I knew where that was going.

**02:17  
**Last resort; The Hardys.  
Called Jeff.

"Jeff?"  
"Arrrrrrrrrr?"  
"Jeff, when does the sun come up?"  
"Jeffy wants a cracker! Argh!"

Did I just call Jeff's parrot? I think I did.

**02:22  
**I will have to this on my own. It should be easy. Ten nuts, bring them by dawn. That should be done in less than one hour.  
If only they had given the location. Now I will have to roam the streets again, looking for Chip, Chap and Chop, whoever they are.  
I hope they're hot.

**02:30  
**I hope Glen's okay. I hope they feed him. If they don't they're up for something alright.

**02:35  
**I do hope a lot today. And the day just begun.  
I need a nap, but I must save the younger brother of Destruction.

**03:00  
**Maybe they left a new note in my Suggestion Box! I should go see...

_' taker,  
__i took your gun. I intend on becoming an assassin. so thank you.  
__i'll put you last on me hitlist  
__triple h '_

_' Ho!  
Yo bald frend is save, but no longer thaen tilll dawn!  
__dawn is when the sun comes up.  
__Bring nutz to tree near apples house.  
__bi bi. '_

**03:14  
**Carlito's house? Does he have something to do with this?  
I always thought he looked suspicious. No normal person has hair like that.

**03:18  
**I have ten nuts. Only 8 in the fridge though.  
Haha, a riddle for when Cena steals my diary again;  
Cena, I have 10 nuts. 8 in the fridge. Guess where the other 2 are!

**03:22  
**Why did Glen put his nuts in the fridge?

**03:32  
**Ewww, I mean real nuts.  
Not saying his aren't real. But I mean edible.

**03:36  
**Not saying his aren't edible, but...  
SHUT UP MARK, SHUT UP!

**03:40  
**Why has he got so many nuts anyway? I never knew he liked nuts.

**03:43  
**I need to get myself a hammer and knock myself the hell out. I'm obsessing over Glen's nuts, and that's nothing to proud of!

**03:47  
**Haha... I crack myself up these days.

**03:49  
**And I don't even need a nutcracker. Haha haha. Oh man, wasting precious time!

**04:01  
**I am looking for two more nuts. After I get them I will go out and rescue precious little brother, who is technically speaking so huge he should be able to fend for himself.  
But he cannot, so I will save him from...  
yeah, from who actually?

**04:05  
**I wish Paulie had not stolen my gun. Had he not stolen my gun, I could've shot Chip and his henchmen.  
What kind of name is Chip anyway? Is he related to that Chip Foose? Or Potato Chip? Computer Chip?  
Oh the horror, the drama. My mind is all over the place, but seems not to reach its actual destination.

**04:09  
**What the hell am rambling about anyway?

**04:13  
**I don't have good aim anyway. I'm not only tone deaf, you know? I'm a lot of other things aswell.

**04:16  
**A very sexy deadman for example.

**04:22  
**I must find 2 nuts and help. I need help, someone should back me up when rescueing Glen, just in case, you know?

**04:36  
**Bubba.

**04:49**

Called Bubba.

"Bubba hello." I said nicely.  
"Hell-o, who you be please?"  
"Marky Marky, listen Bubba, I need help."  
"Ah oui, la vache qui rit!" Bubba yelled.  
"Excuse you?"  
"That means the laughing cow."  
"And that is relevant how?" I asked confused.  
"Not at all." Bubba said. "Now tell me, help?"  
"Yes! Glen was stolen!"  
"Stolen?!" Bubba gasped. "And now?!"  
"I need you to come with me, bring two nuts, not your own nuts, and back me up when I bring the ransom."  
"Aha! But Marky? You need to say the magic sentence first..."

No, please, not the magic sentence.

"Glen is your friend too you know..." I said.  
"That is not the magic sentence." Bubba said firmly.  
"Okay okay... Bubba, quick! A bumblebee broke my babybrother's back, and bought me brooms for my birthday!"  
"Ahaha... Ahahahahaaaaa."  
"Bubba, come on."  
"I'm on my way Marky! Fear not, for Bubba is coming to your aide!"

He hung up.  
Oh how I hate Bubba. Oh how I love Bubba. Oh how confused I am.

**04:55  
**If we are not able to retrieve Glen, Bubba can be the new brother of Destruction I suppose.

**05:14  
**Bubba is here. And he brought two actual nuts...  
Technically he brought 4, but...  
No, we are not going there again!

**05:18  
**I can not be sure about the 4 anyway, because it's not like I've seen them all. Thank God.

**05:23  
**Bubba and I are on our way to Carlito's house.  
Bubba is singing and waking up the whole neighbourhood. I kind of wonder why he was still up around 4 anyway, does he not need his beauty nap?

**05:26  
**Asked him.  
"What beauty, Mark?" He asked me back.  
Good point, Bubba. Very good point.

**05:40  
**We have reached our destination. It's cold, it's dark, it's in front of Carlito's house... Had I not known better I would've guessed we found hell on earth.  
But I do know better. Hell is a lot warmer. I like warmth, it makes me shiver less.

**05:43  
**Bubba thinks I am afraid because I'm shivering. I always shiver unless I'm in Spain. In Spain there's nothing to shiver about.  
Do the spanish know snow?  
Wasn't Glen born there? I know someone was born there... Glen doesn't look spanish, he looks scandinavian.

**05:50  
**We found the tree... It stands out very much, it had a little door in it. I wonder if Carlito did that?  
No sign of Glen though.  
Bubba knocked on the tree, saying "Glen, are ya there?". When I said "Yeshhhh..." He screamed a little and fell on his behind.  
Even in the morning I am hilarious.

**06:00  
**Carlito came out of his house.

"Why are you sneaking around here?" he asked.  
"We're not sneaky." I said annoyed.  
"Why are you here?" Carlito asked.  
"We're looking for Glen." Bubba said. "Glen was stolen from Marky's house."  
Carlito frowned. "You mean you don't live at the cemetary?"

I'm so sick of people thinking I don't live in a normal house with a normal bed and a normal woman.  
The only sad thing about my life is that in my house there is no woman, but a 'Kane'.

"Soooo, where's Glen?" Carlito asked me very loudly.  
I snapped back. "No idea."

Carlito was grinning very scarily. I think he is up to something... I really do.

"Come in." The Appleman said. "I'll get you some tea."  
"Bubba wants beer please." Bubba said.  
"Whatever."

**06:17  
**Feeling sleepy. Bubba is asleep already, trouble handling his alcohol?

**08:00  
**Just woke up... Oh no, you have got to be kidding me, we're locked up in Carlito's house.  
He definitely has something to do with Glen being stolen! He drugged us!

**08:04  
**Hee hee hee... I can't stop giggling.

**08:14  
**Hearing strange noises outside.  
I hope Glen is okay, I really do.

**08:17  
**Someone's shooting! Oh my! I hope it's not Chip and his gang!  
If it is they better be shooting Carlito.

**09:02  
**Bubba is still asleep. How remarkable... The shooting stopped. We're still stuck though.  
If only I had a phone so I could call Ken.

**09:11  
**I hear someone on the other side... I wonder who it is?

"Mark, ya there?" Someone said.  
"Yeah, who you be?" Bubba answered instead. Good morning Bubba.  
"Paul! I took Jesse and Festus with me, you'll be out around ten!"  
"Is Glen okay?"  
"I'm okay..." I heard a small voice say. Ah, Glen is a-okay.  
"What happened?" I asked.  
"You'll find out later." Paul said. "Wail 'til 10 now."

**08:55  
**I heard Paul talking to Jesse. I think they want Festus to ram the door with his head.  
It won't do too much damage to his brain anyway, so I'm fine with that.

**10:00  
**Glen is ringing again...

"Mark, Bubba, get away from the door!" Jesse yelled.

Yelled it just in time that is. The moment Bubba and I stepped away Festus rammed the door with a force yet unknown to mankind.  
The door opened right away, and there were Jesse, Festus, Paulie and Glen. All in one piece.

**10:04  
**Four pieces. It's not like they somehow fused together. What a warrior would that make... I don't want to know.

**10:08  
**Storytime eh.

"What happened?" I asked Glen.  
"Well... You need to know I was born in Spain." Glen said. "And then someone abducted me."  
"Really?"  
"Yes." Glen nodded. "It was a squirrel with a cape. A red cape."

I supressed a giggle.

"They raised me, which is why I purr sometimes. They taught me that."  
"Haha." I snickered.  
"Anyway, they were part of a gang. That gang was once led by Mukumuku, but then Muku died..."  
I snickered again.  
"When he died Carlito took over, because Carlito can magically transform into a squirrel."

What the hell?!

"Where'd he learn that?" Bubba asked.  
"At squirrel school." Glen replied dryly.  
Give me a break...  
"Then they let me free because I had to become a wrestler..." Glen continued.  
"Why?" Bubba interrupted him.  
Glen sighed. "Wrestlers are strong, and they wanted to take over the planet."  
"Why?"

Damn you, Bubba!

"Because they like capes."  
"Is Ken involved?" I asked, remembering Ken's outfit at Shawn's party.  
"Yes..." Glen said. "Ken is from Muku's clan, but left when Carlito took charge."  
"Why?" I asked.  
"Because Ken has no soul."  
"Tell me about it." I said. "I tried to steal his soul, but it was gone already."  
"Anyway..." Glen continued. "They needed me back here, so they abducted me yesterday."  
"Yes, even after I put up a sign with 'Do not take the bald man.'" I mumbled.  
"They didn't get it, because..."

Glen paused, face brightred with shame, and took off his bald skin?!?!?!  
Underneath the pretty baldness there was a...

Fro?

What the hell? I thought I was evil!

"To make it a shorter story: Carlito thought I failed as wrestler, and wanted me gone because I knew too much. But Chip, Chap and Chop love me so they sent you a note. They didn't want the nuts, but they couldn't put the real story up either."

All these thoughts about nuts, for no reason at all?

"Nov Carlito is vounded becas Paul shotz him, and Ken took him to a vet." Festus said.

Festus speaks?!

"Carlito will not be back for long." Paul said happily. "I bet you're happy I stole your gun now eh!"  
I nodded silently.  
"Now... Let's go home." Glen said, looking very afroman. "I need food."

Everyone left the house and I followed, silent and confused.  
Glen has a fro, Carlito is a squirrel, Glen was raised by squirrels, Jeff has a parrot with a phone, Bubba can't hold his alcohol and I...

I need fishsticks.

**12:00**  
But why a fro?

**12:04  
**Glen is happily skipping around, in and out of the house through the damn hole.  
I will put up another sign:  
'Do not take afroman, he belongs here'

**12:09**  
I need to sleep...

**12:24**  
A fro...  
Haha a fro. Afro.  
_I was walking down the street, then I got high._

**12:32**  
All this drama and I still crack myself up..  
And I don't even need a nutcra... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

* * *

Please forgive me, I have no clue where this all came from.  
I think I played too much Resident Evil 4, and got kind of obsessed with kidnapping and stuff.

Next chapters will be a little more regular again.  
(And still I hope you'll like this!)


	7. To the zoo with Ken

Time to watch the Rumble my loves...  
(Rumble is my favorite ppv lmbo) Kozlov's out already. I wanted him to win =( 'Taker :D Yayyy.  
KANE :DD

... WHY DID **HE** WIN? Ew ew ewwwwwwwwwwww ewwwwww on a popsiclestick.  
Damnit.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own WWE, any superstars, any divas or eh, this computer.

* * *

**December 23**

**09:11  
**I woke up. I'm awake. Very smart deadman.

**09:14  
**I wonder who else is up, I should check MSN.

**09:18  
**Ah, Beth is up, and Cena too. Cena's always up, I think he might not be human... Just like Carlito isn't human either, but a squirrel.  
Which is unimportant because Carlito is in jail.

**09:20  
**Why isn't Paul in jail? He shot Carlito with my gun.  
Meh.

**09:23  
**Oh someone talks to me.

_Regal says:_  
Are you being served?

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_No

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_Wait, what?

_Regal says:_  
Mr. Humphries, are you free?

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_Would you stop asking people that?

_Regal says:  
_where's Glen?

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_asleep

_Regal says:  
_why?

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_because he's not awake.

_Regal says:_  
Tell him to come over tonight, I have a present for him!

_TAKER is related to afroman says:  
_Okidoki skip. Later dude.

**09:30  
**Nobody ever has presents for me. Maybe I should ask for presents.

**09:32  
**Would that be lame?

**09:35  
**Called Paul.

"Paul, I want you to buy me a present."

Paul hung up.  
So it is lame to ask.

**09:43  
**Glen woke up, told him Regal has a present. Glen smirked his evil smirk and just nodded.  
I think he might know what present Regal is talking about already?

**09:55  
**Argh they have tricked me! It was Bunchlax and Thor! Thor sat down on my lap, which was slightly adorable, and after a few minutes Thor left so I could stand up again. When I entered my room I found they have stolen my hat!  
How do cats steal hats?

**10:00  
**Glen's ringing again. I still feel the need to operate on him, even though he's so pathetic sometimes.  
Heck, at least he shaved off his afro.

**10:04  
**Bunchlax did not steal my hat, it was Paul. I know this because Paulie left a note saying 'I did not only take your gun, I do also have your hat now.'  
Who the hell is stupid enough to steal something, and then actually leave a note? I don't think Paul gets it.

**10:30  
**Watching Oprah, but don't know what she's talking about, because Thor and Bunchlax are staring at me, and it's hard to concentrate this way.  
I'm scared of the damn cats.

**10:32  
**Asked Glen if we could sell his cats. Glen said if I sold his cats he would let his hair grow back.  
Refrained from selling cats.

**10:37  
**Oprah said you should keep an eye on your siblings, if you're older you're responsible too.

**10:40  
**Staring at little brother of Destruction.

**10:44  
**Glen looks pissed off, and he's getting his stuff together. I must follow wherever he is going!

**10:49  
**Glen started running away from me, I think he might get hit by a car.

**11:16  
**Glen got hit by a car. Holy shit, I should never have kept an eye on him!  
Damn you Oprah, I will be coming for your soul!

**11:18  
**Glen's fine, I need to rephrase my remark now...  
The car got hit by Glen.

**11:28  
**The car is now missing its bumper. So it ain't no bumpercar anymore! Haha ha haha!

**11:35  
**Very funny deadman, still. Even after the squirrel-fiasco.

**12:00  
**Feeding time. I fed Glen, Thor, Bunchlax and Jeff's parrot. Yes, for some reason Jeff brought me his parrot because he's going to Disney Land again.

**12:04  
**Cats eat birds. Oh hell. I hope Jeff survives. I mean the parrot Jeff, not Jeff.

**12:06  
**Not that I hope Jeff dies on a rollercoaster... I like Jeff, he's smart and wears corpse paint.

**12:09  
**Ken called.

"Hello." I said.  
"Hello mister Marky, let us go to the zoo."  
I scratched the back of my head.  
"Marky?"  
"Eh, okay." I said. "If you pay."  
"Sure thang, be there in an hour."

The zoo? What the hell?

**12:34  
**Bunchlax... Cat... Animal...  
Animals don't belong in houses, they should go to the zoo!

**12:44  
**Called the zoo.

"Hello, Mark here, I have a cat for you."  
"Really? What kind of cat?" The zoo-person asked.  
"A cat cat."  
"A lion?"  
"Something like it." I said dryly.  
"You mean a cougar?"  
"No. I said a cat."  
"I'm sorry, we don't want real cats." The zoo-person said.  
"What kind of zoo are you?" I asked annoyed.

I hung up. If they don't want Bunchlax, nobody probably does.

**12:46  
**If they don't want real cats, do they want stuffed cats? Should I have Bunchlax stuffed?

**12:49  
**The thought of a dead Bunchlax made me very sad. I might be attached to the damn cat.

**13:00  
**Yes I am. I want my own pet though. A ferret?

**13:03  
**Jeffy keeps asking for crackers. Gave him a fishstick.

**13:09  
**Just recieved an e-mail.

_Dear Mark,  
__Thanks for watching Jeff, but do not feed him fishsticks! He's a bird, when birds eat fish they tend to become dangerous.  
__Except when they're flamengo's.  
__Do not feed Jeff fish! Especially not pink fish, I don't want a damn pink parrot.  
__Jeff._

Too late Jeff. Too late.

**13:14  
**Another mail.

_Dear Mark!  
__Disneyland is amazing, we have been on this coaster and they took pictures of us! On the coaster! I'll include my favorite one.  
__Don't you just love how scared Jeff looks? And how far you can see down his throat? He screamed so load I thought he might chase away Goofy.  
__That'd be bad since he already chased away Donald Duck. Poor Donald Duck. And he actually speared Mickey Mouse to the ground for no reason at all. He later told me he doesn't like mice.  
__Poor Mickey._

_How come Jeff always does something stupid when we're in Disneyland? Beats me...  
__Love,  
__Matt._

**13:31  
**Ken has arrived, he's taking me to the zoo. When I asked him if we were going on a date he tried to hit me.  
Hah, Ken's so easily annoyed it's almost funny.

**13:56  
**At the zoo, with Ken. Hmmmm... I have a strange feeling we're here for a reason. Glen just waved and said 'bye' when I took off. He didn't even ask where I was going.  
I hope he's not going to make a new hole in the house, one hole is enough thank you.

**17:08  
**Ken and I have left the zoo because Ken was afraid of the damn crocodiles. I told him they weren't able to get over that fence, but for some reason he did not believe me.  
Well, at least I think that is why we left... It could also be because I almost knocked him over, right into shark-bassin. I don't think Ken can swim?

**17:15**

Oh yeah, we ran into Kozlov, who was feeding the bears. I never knew Kozlov had two jobs, I was starting to wonder whether he didn't make enough money when all of the sudden some zoo-persons ran to Kozlov yelling 'Do not feed the bears!'  
Kozlov just glared at them and they ran back the way they came from.

"In Russia I had a bear." Kozlov said.  
"I know, it looked like a zebra."  
"Yes."  
"Indeed."

Then he invited me over to play checkers, so I'm headed for Kozlov's place instead of home. I don't feel like seeing the devastation Glen has probably caused anyway.

**18:01  
**At Kozlov's, eating. Kozlov for some reason always makes me food. He must think I need to put on weight?  
When I told him I was a sexy deadman he hit me with his checkers-box. Which didn't really hurt... My head dented the cardboard.  
Kozlov's becoming agressive. Ugh, what a pain.

**19:12  
**Played checkers, about 6 times, and Kozlov won all 7. He's nagging about that mug I'm supposed to buy him. I don't know why, but that man is odd. I gave him my, or technically Glen's watch, but he didn't want it. He says he doesn't care about time, we're running out of it anyway?  
Wait, what?

**19:16  
**"Soon..." Kozlov mumbled.  
"What?"  
"Soon the end will be upon us, you will suffer a horrible death."  
Oh for hell's sake.  
"I'm dead already."  
Kozlov just stared at me.  
"I'm the deadman?"  
"How'd you die?" Kozlov asked.  
"Glen set me on fire."  
"I thought you set Glen on fire?"  
"Same difference."

I think I confused him. Heh, fun.

**19:27  
**Now at Bubba's, because Bubba is amusing.  
"Marky, tell me, what's your favorite letter?"  
I said "6."  
He was actually satisfied with that answer. Hmmmm...

**19:32  
**Bubba's singing again. Bubba always sings. Usually about bees, brooms and breadsticks.  
He told me Batista wants to start a band, and Bubba can sing. I didn't know the Animal knew anything about music?

**19:35  
**Why didn't he ask me for his band?!

**19:38  
**Called Batista.

"David!" I yelled.  
"Ouchie, my ears." Batista said.  
"Why can't I join your band?"  
"Your name doesn't start with a B."

I hung up.

**19:46  
**Found out Kane's in it too. Apparantly Big Red Machine works too. Damnit.

**19:54  
**Oh and Beth is in too. Beth, Bubba, Big Red Machine, Batista and the Rock.  
When I told Bubba the Rock starts with an R he said 'But he changed his name into Brock.'

"Why?"  
"He likes Pokemon."

Ugh.

**20:03  
**Going home. No matter what I say they won't let me in the band. Damnit.

**20:36  
**No... Please tell me it isn't true.

**20:38  
**"Glen no, you can't do that to me."  
"Ghehehehe."

**20:43  
**"I hate you."  
"It's Regal's fault."

**20:49  
**Glen got his present... I can't tell what it is, I'm so upset.

**20:59  
**I need fishsticks.

**21:18  
**Mr. Humphries ate my fishsticks! And shared them with Bunchlax and Thor.  
This house is one big animal-shelter. And on top of that Jeff's parrot turned pink because I gave him fish. I should've listened to Jeff. Argh.

**22:01  
**Hurray, my bed is now a catbed. Bunchlax is on my pillow, Thor is under my blanket, which I know because when I sat down I heard a muffled 'meow' and Mr. Humphries is sharpening his nails on my blanket.  
Yes, Mr. Humphries is a cat. Glen's cat. Glen's third cat. A present from William Regal.  
And it's not just a tiny cat either, it's gigantic. It just swallowed half of my coat. Holy hell, Glen needs his own house.

**22:07  
**Shawn came by again, he still doesn't have a house. Paul refuses to let him in.

**22:14  
**Shawn petted me, it was rather cute.  
When I asked him why he said "Well, you're catman, soon you'll be hairier than Mike Knox, so you need to used to being petted."  
I chokeslammed Shawn down the stairs. He was actually able to get up after that.

**22:18  
**Maybe Shawn's indestructable?

**23:01  
**On MSN.

_Kozlove says:  
_You want to live with me?

_Taker is tired of cats says_:  
Can I?!

_Kozlove says:  
_Yes, if you play checkers with me every evening.

_Taker is tired of cats says:  
_Fine by me.

_Kozlove says:_  
Aye! Come by tomorrow, we can discuss this.

_Taker is tired of cats says:  
_Oki!!! SEE YA :D

_Kozlove says:  
_Bye bye =)

**23:13  
**I'm going to live with Kozlov, who has no cats, who never swallowed an alarm-clock, and he doesn't think I sleep in the basement.  
YAY!

**23:36  
**Threw out cats.  
Bye bye cats!  
NIGHT NIGHT!

* * *

Sorry it took me forever to update... I was busy, and writing something else.

Seriously, why did HE win the Royal Rumble? Why? Why not Kozlov? Heck, I'd rather seen Big Show win... Just not HIM whose-name-I'll-never-say-again.  
I can't stand him.


	8. Merry Christmas, dr Phil

**Disclaimer; **I don't own WWE or Dr. Phil.  
Dr. Phil quotes were randomly picked from the internet. I never watch it haha. He annoys me to no end.

Thankies for reviewing so much loves, 47 already, I'm so happeh. Yes sirree!

_Christmas special_ xD In February, but who cares?

* * *

**December 25**

**09:00  
**Awake again. These days I don't wake up just because I'm done sleeping, but because Kozlov takes a shower around 9 and he's always rapping.  
He's better than Vanilla Ice and John Cena.

**09:10  
**It's amazing living with Kozlov. He's intelligent, funny, plays a lot of checkers and guess what...  
He too watches Oprah! Hell yeah!

**09:13  
**I feel bad for Glen though, I bet he misses me. Yesterday I moved in here, and Glen looked slightly upset. If that's possible anyway, his face doesn't have a lot of expressions. Just anger and evil. If that is an expression in the first place.

**09:17  
**He doesn't miss me, does he? He has 3 cats, and Shawn is at his house a lot, because Paulie still won't let him back in.  
I feel upset myself.

**09:25  
**Merry Christmas by the way! Tonight we have a Christmas party here. With booze, presents, food and a mistletoe. Must make sure I do not end up under the mistletoe with Ken. He might kill me.

**09:33  
**Kozlov's done taking a shower. I think he was shaving his legs, he was in there forever.

**09:38  
**Kozlov came in.

"Mark, hello."  
"Hi."  
"Merry Christmas..."  
"Merry Christmas right back at you!"

The I saw his leg. With a cut in them.

"Kozlov, what happened?" I asked, pointing at his legs  
"I cut myself shaving."

I knew it...

**09:45  
**He does have smooth legs now though.

**10:12  
**Eating breakfast. Asked Kozlov what he's going to wear tonight. He said he wanted to wear the radio again, but I told him not to. As far as I know this won't be a costume party. I sure as hell hope not.

**10:19  
**What am I going to wear? Black leather?  
Sounds good.

**10:24**

Glen called. Oh dear.

"Mark, where are you?"  
"I'm at home." I said.  
"Home?"  
"Yeah, you know..."

Glen hung up. Am positive he does feel upset, even though he didn't say it in that many words. I feel so bad.

**10:34  
**I hope Glen's coming tonight, I need to see him again. Very odd, I went here because I needed a break, but now I miss my babybrother of Destruction.

**10:37  
**Can't say I miss Bunchlax though, or Thor or Mr. Humphries.

**10:49  
**Received an e-mail.

_'Dear Mark.  
__Have heard you moved in with Kozlov. Does that mean you love Kozlov, and not me anymore? I wish you the best of luck.  
__Ken.'_

Mailed him back;

_'Kennnn, oh Ken.  
__No, I moved in with him because Kozlov lives closer to you, and now I can visit you always. I love you, not the Russian.  
__Mark.'_

He's so clueless it's almost funny.

**10:55  
**Kozlov suggested I'd find myself a date online. He said I should use some dating-site and start having fun with the ladies. I might take his advice.

**11:08**  
I became a member of 'Date4You' and had to fill in some profile. Do not want to give away I'm the Undertaker, so answered all questions differently but still told the truth.

_Name: Mark.  
__Age: Unknown.  
__Occupation: Work with the dead._

_Introduction:  
My name is Mark. I am smart, funny, sexy and always in for watching Oprah.  
__I live with a friend who's Russian, and I have one younger brother named Glen.  
__I'm looking for anyone with a soul, because once I meet you, I will take it!_

I bet that didn't give anything away, right?

**11:19  
**Will now have to wait for the ladies to send me messages. In the meantime I will help Kozlov decorate the house.

**12:44  
**We have decorated the house, it looks lovely. For some reason Kozlov thought it'd be a good idea to use spray-on snow on the windows. He wanted to put down 'Merry Christmas' but it now says 'Mery Kristmass'. And then mirrored, because Kozlov didn't think before he started spraying.  
I like it.

**13:07  
**Ah, Bubba came by. He brought us some food and booze.  
"Bubba brought booze!" I yelled to Kozlov.

For some reason that made Bubba very happy. He nodded happily and hugged me before leaving again.

**13:13  
**I get it... I said 'Bubba brought booze' and that's 3 b's in a row. Hmmm.

**13:20  
**Should've asked how Glen's doing. He is in Bubba's band after all.

**13:27  
**I'm bored, no matter how annoying Glen was, at least I was never bored around him.

**13:33  
**Not that Kozlov is boring! He isn't. But he went somewhere, so nobody to talk to now.

**13:43  
**Watching Oprah, too bad Kozlov's not here. Tom Cruise is jumping on the couch again.

**14:09  
**Jumping on couch too, hope nobody comes by to see me do that. I've always wondered what it's like to be Tom Cruise.

**14:16  
**Kozlov came in, he joined me. We were jumping on his couch until it tipped over. I think Kozlov might be hurt.

**14:19  
**Apparantly not, Kozlov is indestructable aswell. Many people are these days, rather scary.

**14:34  
**Watching Dr. Phil now, with Kozlov. Dr. Phil says it's not good if you have strange rituals you have to perform in order to feel good. I agreed.  
Kozlov does not. Kozlov says that everytime he sees a bobblehead, he has to make it nodd at him. And if there's 100 bobbleheads, he will make all 100 nodd.  
He says it calms him.

**14:41  
**I asked him what would happen if one of them shook its head, instead of nodding.

"I will break it." Kozlov said.  
"Really, and what if it'll still be shaking its head?"  
"I'll burn it to ashes."

Damn.

**14:56  
**Someone on Dr. Phil said 'I'm the ultimate doormat.'

"She's so big nobody would be able to step on her." Was Kozlov's rather dry reply.

I love Kozlov.

**14:59  
**Aha, I really do love him. Kozlov talks to the tv.

Dr. Phil: 'It's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.'  
Kozlov: 'But if you're sick with someone else at least someone can clean up after you throw up."

Dr. Phil: 'You need to listen to your body because your body is listening to you.'  
Kozlov: 'You think my body speaks English?'

Dr. Phil: 'Sometimes you've just gotta give yourself what you wish you were getting from someone else.'  
Kozlov: 'Okidoki doc, I'm buying myself a wedding ring!'

Dr. Phil: 'There are some sick people in this world.'  
Kozlov: 'Yes, and you're one of them!'

I don't think Kozlov likes Dr. Phil.

**15:31  
**We received a call from Bubba who asked what time the party's starting. I almost forgot about the party.

**15:34  
**Got e-mail from Ken.

_'Stop it Mark, I am not amused anymore. I'm not gay, I'm sorry, but I'm not. I know I am attractive and funny, but I'm not cheering from the wrong side.  
__Not that it's wrong, but it's not the right side for me.  
__Stop harassing me or I will have you imprisoned once again.  
__Ken.'_

Can't wait to get to prison again. The food is free.

**19:00  
**I didn't go to prison, I just went to see how Glen was doing. He was asleep. I felt so bad, he never sleeps the whole day. He must miss me so bad.  
When I woke him up he bit me. I wonder why?

**19:08  
**Shawn's here. He's always the first to arrive and last to leave at any party. I wish Paul would take him back. His nose is a touchy subject, but come on...

**19:17  
**Merry Christmas, oh joy. Somehow Carlito snuck in too, and I thought he was still in jail. He wanted to get rid of Glen, so doesn't that mean he should be in jail longer than a week?

**19:23  
**Oh Carlito changed into a squirrel and swoosh, he was out. Apparantly squirrels do not belong behind bars. Damnit.  
Squirrels behind bars... Ahahaha... Drunk squirrels. Ahaha. With their squirelly voices, drinking from nuts.  
Suddenly I like Carlito again... He's adorable.

**19:43  
**No, I hate him. He wanted to kill my baby brother.

**19:54  
**Paulie arrived too. That's lovely.

**20:01  
**"Mark, I still have your gun." Paul said.  
"I know."  
"I'm still an assassin."  
"You haven't killed anyone yet!" I said confused.  
"I know, but I will tonight!"  
"Who then?"  
"Someone..."  
"Really?" I asked. "Me?"  
"You are dead already."

Good point.

"I'll be a very deadly assassin." Paul said and left.

Hmm okidoki.

**20:09  
**But, if Paul wasn't a deadly assassin, he'd be a pretty damn bad assassin. I mean assassins kill right? That makes 'm so deadly. So if he doesn't kill anyone he'll just be Paul with a gun.  
Hmmm?  
I'm confused.

**20:15  
**Indeed, the word assassin is making me giggle tonight. It has ass in it, twice. I remember that's the reason Paul wanted to become one.  
I might too, my carreer as a criminal isn't going anywhere.

**20:19  
**Ken's here! Ken's queer!  
No he's not, but it won't hurt annoying him, right?  
I blew him a kiss. Tee-hee.

**20:32  
**Ken's hiding in the closet. He always does that.  
Must go have conversation with Ken.

**20:43  
**"Ken?" I asked.  
"NO!"  
"Ken, I love you." I smirked. "Come out of the closet."  
"Never!"  
"But life outside the closet is so much better!"  
"Go away!"  
"Ken, it's time for your coming-out!"

Ken opened the closet, speared me to the ground and is now hiding in Kozlov's bedroom. How dumb, Kozlov keeps piranhas there. At least I think so.

**20:49  
**Ken came back out, he's missing a bodypart.

**20:54  
**Yeah, he is, but I can't seem to figure out what it is...

**20:59  
**Kozlov walked up to me.  
"Why is Ken missing an arm?"

Aha! I have figured it out!

**21:26  
**Asked Kozlov why he has killer-fish in his room. He says they keep him young.  
When I told him the years weren't very kind to him, he said 'But I'm 308 years old already.'

Damn!

**21:30  
**Glen's here! Yay! I'm going to hug him.

**21:37  
**Glen asked if I have a fever. Come to think of it, I might.

**22:01  
**Presents!  
I got a videogame called 'Assassin's Creed' (From Paul yes), a lot of fishsticks, a sweater with a rainbow and tickets to Disneyland. They were so considerate picking out presents this time.

**02:00  
**Peace and quiet. Everyone left, except for Paul who's taking a nap under the table. He didn't kill anyone. Some assassin he is. Tsk.  
Well, I must take a nap myself too, I need some sleep so I look pretty again in the morning.  
NIGHTYNIGHT!

* * *

Oh yeah, I'm happy to see that some people now kind of like Kozlov just because of the nonsense I write in this fic. LOVELY :D


	9. Dating madness and home

**Disclaimer: **I don't own WWE, I don't own the Deadman.

R&R if you want to be kind to Triple T. Flame if you want to be mean to Triple T. Enjoy if you want to be kind to yourself.

* * *

**December 27**

**08:12  
**Woke up because Kozlov was talking to someone. When I came downstairs I found out he was talking to mouse.  
When did that mouse get here?

**08:18  
**That mouse eh. It's wearing a hat. How the hell is that even possible?

**08:23  
**Oh Kozlov tied it to the mouse. Damn mouse looks Mexican now. It might be related to Rey.

**08:24  
**Booyaka?

**08:31  
**Regal just called. After he asked me if I was 'free' he said he's running for president.

"I want YOU!" He yelled.  
"I want you too..." I said with a seductive voice.

Regal hung up.

**08:36  
**The mouse with the hat has a name. It's called 'Zebra'.  
Kozlov has an unhealthy obsession with Zebra's and bobbleheads.

**08:43  
**"Zebra has a hole!" Kozlov yelled.  
"Where?" I yelled back.  
"It has a family too!"  
"What?"

Kozlov suddenly left the house. To buy more hats. Ugh, what a pain.

**09:02  
**Damn mouse. I don't like mice. Usually when I see one I send Bunchlax to eat it. But Bunchlax isn't here.  
Must call Glen, must borrow Bunchlax. Or Thor. Or Mr. Humphries.

**09:08  
**Mice say 'peep'. I wonder why? Must be fan of peepshows? Ahahaha. Peepshow.

**09:11  
**Oh no! I just recieved an e-mail from Ken, Cena and Glen.

_'Dear Mark,  
Ken has decided he wants to set you up with a lady. In order to make this happen he has called five ladies, and you're having a date with each one of them today.  
Please have fun, and make sure you fall for one so you don't have to chase Ken around anymore.  
I, John Cena, hope you have fun. They, Ken and Glen, hope so too. Glen also hopes you can visit him again soon. He says Thor misses your hat.  
Oh, and Paul, the Game, has stolen your umbrella. I don't know why we're typing this, Paul's making us. He says if we don't tell you he's stolen it, he will kill us.  
I wonder why?  
Anyway, 5 dates today. Have fun!  
John Cena, Glen and KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!'_

Oh crap.

**09:14  
**Paul needs to stop telling me he's stolen something. You don't steal and tell.

**09:18  
**Or was it kiss and tell?

**09:26  
**Kill and tell?

**09:33  
**All of them?

**09:38  
**Kiss and kill would be fun too. It'd be easier because after you kiss, women want more, and more. Bah, I hate kissing.

**09:44  
**My first date is at 11, I'm supposed to go to some pub and have coffee with a woman named Tarja. Hmmmm... I hope she's hot.

**09:54  
**Steal and kill is rather obvious too. I'm glad Paul doesn't know this. He could've killed me had I not been dead already.

**10:00  
**What to wear?

**10:09  
**Kozlov's radio?

**10:17  
**Ahaha better not to. I'll wear my hat.

**10:19  
**Not only my hat! Clothes too! Though just the hat would've been an amazing sight, if I say so myself.

**10:25  
**Kozlov's back. He hats for Zebra's family. How amazing...

**10:43  
**Told Kozlov I have 5 dates today. He said he wanted one. I gave him one. He can have the one from 4 o'clock. It'll probably be one of those ladies that eats a lot of soup.

**10:47  
**I'm off for my first date!

**13:01  
**Tarja was sexy, but constantly singing. About a dead boy and a strange version of Alice Cooper's 'Poison'.  
When I joined her during 'Black lace on sweat' she hit me with her purse and took off. She doesn't like sharing the spotlight.  
Hmpf, neither do I.

**13:09  
**On to the next date, who's named... Eh... I can't concentrate here! Kozlov keeps telling his mice to jump through a hoop. It's so annoying.  
Oh yeah, her name is Shadie. Hmmmm...

**13:15  
**On my way to Shadie. I wonder if she's shady.

**13:21  
**Shadie has 7 different colors of hair. Instead of dating her I gave her Jeff's number.  
Or so I hope. I might have given her Jeff's parrot's number. I don't know.

**13:34  
**Hmm a lot of time left before I go to my third date. I have to kill some time, I'm not expected anywhere until 7 tonight. Go see Glen?

**14:00  
**At Glen's. He was so happy he instantly started to make me fishsticks. Thor is taking a nap on my foot. Somehow he doesn't completely fit on it anymore. While my feet aren't small, let me tell you that. I can Big Boot anyone out of the way, really.  
Except Paul the big showoff.

**14:09  
**Eating and chatting. Glen told me Shawn has moved in with him. I told him we should go talk to Paul. Shawn and Paul go together like bullets and guns, the fact Paul has a not-so-small nose should not be obstructing their relationship.  
Glen agrees. Says it's not nice living with Shawn, because Shawn always talks about Paul.

**14:14  
**Bubba's here, playing the damn b-game again. I'm so annoyed.

**14:16  
**"Bubba's brain broke." I said annoyed.  
"I know." Bubba replied.

Well, at least he knows himself.

**15:09  
**Bubba wants one of my dates too. I gave him the 7 o'clock date... Hmmm that woman is in for a surprise. Ahaha. Not that I care, I don't want to date. I don't need a woman, Kozlov already feeds me.  
Now I only have one date left, around 11. That's nice. I chased away Tarja, I gave Shadie Jeff's parrot's number, I gave Kozlov the soup-woman and Bubba the woman that should probably be home around 10. Why else go out around 7?

**16:01  
**Watching Oprah with Glen. I missed Glen. He's like Kozlov, but at least he knows how to smile.  
Or smirk really. Glen doesn't smile.

**16:09  
**Glen _is_ like Kozlov.

Oprah: 'I think that when you invite people to your home, you invite them to yourself.'  
Glen: 'I invited Shawn, does that mean I want him?'

Oprah: 'The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.'  
Glen: 'Yesterday I dreamed I was purple. And I had a motorcycle, and I dated a zombie. Now all I need to do is get a motorcycle.'

Oprah: 'Be more splendid, more extraordinary. Use every moment to fill yourself up.'  
Glen: 'Does that refer to Shawn again?'

Oprah: 'I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.'  
Glen: 'Shawn?'

Oprah: 'Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping-stone to greatness.'  
Glen: 'All we hear is, Radio-ga-ga.'  
Me: 'She said A queen, not Queen.'  
Glen: 'Shush, I was singing.'

Yeah, Glen is like Kozlov.

**16:42  
**Conversation with babybrother about the Heartbreak Kid.

"Do you have a thing for Shawn?" I asked.  
"You mean like a present?"  
"Something like it..."  
"Yes, you wanna see?" He asked.  
"Not if it's in your pants..."

Glen hit me with that baseballbat I bought him a while ago.

**16:45  
**"I miss you Marky Marky."

That made me tear up a lil'. Sniffle.

**16:49  
**"I miss you too." I said.

Glen hit me with the baseballbat again. Ugh, what a pain. Literally.

**17:01  
**Kozlov called.

"My date was awful." He said.  
"Why?"  
"She only eats soup."

I told ya... People that go out around 4 always eat soup.

**17:33  
**Shawn came in. He looks pissed off. I wonder why?  
Glen doesn't look very happy about it. He complains that Shawn's always talking about Paul. I really think Paul should take him back.

Calling Paul.

"Paul... Take Shawn back."  
"Why?"  
"He's driving Glen nuts, Shawn always talks about you."  
"Really, he does?"  
"Yes..." I sighed. "Take him back."  
"Only if you say the magic word."  
"Uhm... Bubba, quick! A bumblebee broke my babybrother's back, and bought me brooms for my birthday!"  
"Dude, you spend too much time with Bubba." Paul snickered.  
"Please take him back, Paulie." I pleaded.  
"Fine."

Hmmm, I solve problems like no other.

**18:03  
**I should go home... Damn, I don't feel like dating anymore, it's boring. I'm skipping my last date, Ken can't make me go.  
Maybe I should pay Ken a visit... Hee hee hee.

**18:25  
**At Ken's door, banging. I think Ken's afraid I will hurt him, he just yelled "I am calling the cops!". I yelled "Help yourself!"

Heehee.

**18:31  
**"Ken, I'm sorry! I know last night was a mistake, but don't treat me like I'm your toy!" I yelled very loud.  
Ken's head popped through a window. "What?!"  
"Please, I love yoouuuuuu!"

About 5 seconds later the door was unlocked and I was inside. I saw this happen in movies, but didn't expect it to actually work.  
Heehee.

**23:00  
**Oh crab, I'm in jail again. They took mugshots. I asked 'em if I could have one for my photo-album but no.  
Damnit, mugshots. That's a huge step in life, I need the pics to prove it.

**23:09  
**Jail is boring. It was fun until the cops came in and arrested me, but this is just... Killing me. Or well, killing my mood.  
Argh, better make sure not to drop the soap!

**23:15  
**Hee hee hee.

**23:32  
**I just had a conversation with someone in a cell next to me.

"Why you in?" He asked.  
"I don't know." I mumbled. "You?"  
"I stole a tv."  
"Really?" I asked. "And you're in jail for that?"  
"Well no."  
"Really?"  
"No, not really..."  
"Then why?" I was getting confused.  
"I'm a magician?"  
"Really?"  
"No, not really..."  
"Really not really?"  
"Really really."

I have a headache now.

**00:01  
**Glen paid money and took me out of jail. Dang. And I didn't even call him with my 'one phonecall'. I called Jeff, or so I thought.

"Jeff, get me outta jail."  
"Jeffy cookoo! Cracker! ARGH!"

Yeah, I'm sure that wasn't Jeff.

**01:31  
**At home.  
NO! I'm not at home! I'm at Glen's. Don't want to wake up Kozlov.

**01:32  
**Home...  
Home is where the heart is.

**01:38  
**My heart's in my chest. I think.

**01:43  
**In the same old bed, behind the same old door with 'STAY OUT!' on it. I feel so comfortable.  
Ah crab, I belong here, don't I?

**01:48  
**"MarkyMarky, where's Thor?" Glen asked.  
"Sucking on my toe." I replied.  
Glen just nodded and left again.

I belong here alright... I should set things right tomorrow.

**01:55  
**Time to sleep. Night night!

* * *

Remember when this started? I said there'd be at least 10 chapters. I have decided there will be 10 chapters. I don't want this to become boring, so let's stop when it's still rather enjoyable.  
Next chappie will be the last.

Triple T


	10. It all goes out with a bang

_Awww,_ last chapter. Sorry kids. Heehee.

**Disclaimer;** I do not own WWE. Neither do I own Oprah. He quotes were taken from random sites. All I did was comment on them.  
**Inspired by:** Oprah, Shadie (Yes, that's a real person), world war 2 and eh... That's it I guess.

Please, after you're done reading this, go to my homepage and take the poll.  
Your last chance to R&R! Pleeeeaaaaase...

**December 31**

**09:09  
**Woke up to the sound of fireworks. Fireworks in the house.

**09:13  
**Yes, I am right. There are fireworks in the house. Guess where I am.

**09:17  
**No, not at Ken's. Tsk. How can you think such a thing...

**09:23  
**I gotta call Ken. Heehee.

**09:31  
**"Ken, guess what!"  
"You eh... Oh heck, I don't know."  
"Neither do I really... I just felt the need to call you." I said.  
"Oh, okay. Bye Mark."  
"Bye."

How pointles. Eh.

**09:36  
**Hey, isn't it new years eve? Or something? Or well, it's still morning, but you get my point.

**09:39  
**Yeah, it is. That explains the fireworks. Hmmm...  
Well, at least the hole in the wall gone. I think Austin fixed it. I still wonder how.

**10:00  
**Glen's ringing.  
If you still don't know where I am, you're pretty damn dumb.

**10:07  
**It's not like Kozlov would set off fireworks in his home... He says it reminds him of that war.

"What war?" I asked him.  
"The one in Germany."  
"Germany hasn't really gone to war since the second worldwar."  
"I'm talking about the second worldwar."

I had no idea Kozlov was that old.

**10:14  
**Fishsticks!

**10:21  
**On MSN.

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Hell-o

_Maff says:_  
Hello! Is it tr00?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says_:  
Is what true?

_Maff says:  
_That you moved back in with Glen?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Yah... Very tr00 indeed.

_Maff says:  
_why?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_I missed him.

**Finlay has been added to the conversation**

_Finlay says:  
_is it true?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Is what true?

_Finlay says:  
_That Carlito escaped from his cell again?

_Maff says:  
_Probably.

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_I hope they blow him up tonight.

_Finlay says:  
_yeah me too, right. Who's the funky bunch?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Bunchlax, Mr. Humphries, Thor and Glen... They're very... Funky

_Finlay says:_  
So it's tr00?

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Yes

_Finlay says:_  
Gotta tell the leprechaun.

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Bye

_Maff says_:  
bye.

**Finlay has left the conversation**

_Maff says:_  
I gotta go, aye? Jeff needs to be fed.

_MarkyMark and the Funky Bunch says:  
_Heehee. Bye

_Maff says:  
_Bye!

**12:02  
**I'm bored. I might need to watch Oprah again. For some reason Kozlov came by. He might watch too.

**12:09  
**Awww...

"Mark, it's quiet without you." Kozlov said.  
"I'm right here."  
"He means in his house." Glen added.  
"Oh."  
"I know what he means..." Glen continued. "I felt it too."  
"Pffffff, I don't even say that much." I said.  
"You should have a cat." Glen said. "You can have... eh..."

Kozlov tilted his head. I wonder why?

"I'll buy you a kitten." Glen finally said.  
Kozlov smirked. "Can I move in with you guys?" He asked.  
"Sure!" Glen cheered. Holy hell, he cheered.  
"But where will he sleep?" I wondered.  
"In your room." Glen said.  
"What about me?"  
"In the basement."

What a pain. Damnit.  
Ahwell, I like the basement.

**13:09  
**Kozlov is going to live with us. I kind of like it. Though he might need to get used to having 3 cats around. And 'Kane'. He may not like how  
'Kane' rings in the morning, how he drills holes in the walls and how he dresses up as a gingerbreadman.  
Then again, Glen may like it when Kozlov wears his radio again, when he plays checkers and when he talks about his life during 'war'.

**13:13  
**I'm living with two retards. Someone help me please.

**13:24  
**Watching Oprah with Glen and Kozlov. I hope they won't hurt eachother, because Kozlov loves Oprah, while Glen always nags when she's on tv.  
They might both start a conversation with the tv.  
Ugh, so much for peace and quiet.

**13:32  
**I thought so...

Oprah: "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."  
Kozlov: "I always thought it was 'duck' tape."  
Glen: "Duck as in quack?"  
Kozlov: "Yeah..."  
Glen: "How dumb of you."  
Kozlov: _Glared at Glen._

Oprah: "I believe that one of life`s greatest risks is never daring to risk."  
Kozlov: "Risk? As in that game? I prefer checkers!"  
Glen: "Shut the hell up!"  
Kozlov: "You shut up!"  
Glen: _Hit Kozlov with his baseballbat._

Oprah: "All my life I have always known I was born to greatness."  
Kozlov: "Yeah, me too."  
Me: "Give me a break..."

Oprah: "Some women have a weakness for shoes... I can go barefoot if necessary. I have a weakness for books."  
Glen: "She is such a boring woman."  
Kozlov: _Hit Glen with Glen's own baseballbat._

Oprah: "Every time you state what you want or believe, you`re the first to hear it. It`s a message to both you and others about what you think is possible. Don`t put a ceiling on yourself."  
Me: "No need for ceilings, babybrother of destruction will break them down anyway."  
Glen: "... Screw you."  
Kozlov: "Mahaha... Ahahaha."

Oprah: "Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes."  
Kozlov: "I thought she preferred books?"  
Glen: "That woman is one big contradiction."  
Kozlov and Glen: _Looking content_

Kozlov has moved in with us, and now I'm starting to see what that will lead to... Even more chaos and destruction.  
Why does it always have to be me?

**14:09  
**I'm tired, and it's not even night yet. I wonder what will happen tonight anyway, will there be people here?  
Will there be fireworks?  
Will there be... Carlito?

**14:15  
**Hmmm Glen took off to go who-knows-where. I hope he doesn't get lost again. I should give him one of those things they have in cars, those things that say 'Turn right after the next trafficlight.'  
A TomTom or something? Or in this case a GlenGlen.  
No wait, I invented it, a MarkyMarky.

**14:18  
**Some kid just set off fireworks in the neighbourhood. Kozlov was under the table quicker than a person can say 'table'. I really don't get that guy sometimes.

"Mark, the Germans!" He yelled.  
"Where?"  
"In Germany!"

Eh, what?

**15:27  
**Got a phonecall.

"Hell-o."  
"Hello, this is the police department, your bald friend is lost once again."  
"Put him in jail."

I hung up.

**15:32  
**"Who was that?" Kozlov asked.  
"The Germans."

Kozlov is under the table again.

**15:43  
**Mr. Humphries, Thor and Bunchlax are keeping Kozlov company. Kozlov doesn't like them much, he says they're furry creatures from outer space.

"But where'd they put their spaceship?" I asked.  
"What do you think a litterbox really is?!"

**16:09  
**Glen's home. He doesn't look very angry even though I wanted him in jail.

**16:17  
**I'm so tired, I'm going to take a nap so I'm fresh tonight. I need to stay up to say Happy New Year to everyone.  
Such a pain, really...

**23:01  
**I'm up and running! Yes, running. Someone set off fireworks near me, and I do not wish to be blown up. Not today. That has happened plenty of times already.

**23:05  
**It's Ken! Ken's here! And he took the Hardys! And Bubba!  
Uhw, Bubba's here. Oh joy.

**23:09  
**"Bubba brought big bang." Bubba said.  
"Oh really..."

Do I look like I care?

**23:15  
**Making plans for setting Bubba on fire. Bubba goes bang himself.

**23:23  
**Bubba won't catch fire. He's just there, and he's like... Non-flamable. How odd.

**23:28  
**"Bubba, why won't you catch fire?"  
"Because nobody is throwing me any."

That is lame. So lame.

"No, seriously."  
"I'm made of water."

I think he might be serious.

**23:33  
**I think Ken made a bomb. A real one. I wonder why? Bubba brought a big bang already... Damnit, they might scare Kozlov.

**23:35  
**It's Paul. Paul's here... Why is everyone coming here? Can't they go to Cena?

**23:43  
**Kozlov came out of the house, wearing a helmet. He looks very eccentric, I like it.  
Jeff found Glen's baseballbat, and tried it on Kozlov's helmet. Kozlov is still standing up, therefore the helmet has been approved.

**23:49  
**We're nearing the end... What will be in store for me next year? I don't even want to know yet.

**23:55  
**Pretty fireworks!

**23:57  
**Oh look, it's Santino... Accompanied by Beth and Melina. And Dave! It's Dave!

**23:58  
**Hugged Dave. Dave did a Batista Bomb on me. He's very hostile.

**23:59  
**Counting down... Have noticed Matt can't count very well. But who cares... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ...

**0:00  
**HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**0:12  
**Bubba brought big bang...

I should've paid more attention to Bubba. Should've been nice to him... I should have played the b-game more often...  
But I didn't, and now... Now Bubba made the big bang go off...

In my house!

**0:16  
**I'm homeless now. As are Mr. Humphries, Thor, Bunchlax, Glen and Kozlov. Glad to know Bubba made sure the cats were outside when he blew up the place.

**0:19  
**Turned to Kozlov, who's looking very scared and confused.

"Kozlov man, it'll be okay." I said.  
"The Germans are here!" He yelled.  
"Kozlov, it's okay..."  
"They're here, we're all going down!"  
"Kozlov, we can live with Paul and Shawn, I already asked Paul... It'll be fine."  
Kozlov sighed. "We're all going down, Marky..." He said with a serious face. "But at least I've got a helmet."

* * *

**The end of Diary of a Deadman. Thanks for the many, many reviews, adding it to your favorites list, and having fun reading it.  
**  
_Last A/N:_ I have NOTHING against Germans. I'm fluent in German, my favorite band is Rammstein and I love the movie Das Boot. Don't be offended please!

There might be a sequel someday. Just not yet....  
Thanks, and please, check the poll!


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